


Safe Now

by zahnie



Category: Doctrine of Labyrinths - Sarah Monette, Valdemar Series - Mercedes Lackey
Genre: Choices, F/F, F/M, Kidnapping, M/M, Magic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-28
Updated: 2017-09-16
Packaged: 2018-03-04 03:33:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 39,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2907782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zahnie/pseuds/zahnie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the story of how I was kidnapped by a fucking talking horse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work in progress. Updates may take months, that's just how my life is. I promise you, I will not abandon this fic unfinished.
> 
> Timing:  
> Doctrine of Labyrinths: post-Corambis, six months  
> Heralds of Valdemar: post-Storm Breaking, 1 year (1405~1406 AF)
> 
> Location:  
> So, Mélusine is southeast of Corambis, which is south of Seejay. Seejay has a northern border with Ruven, which has Rethwellan to the northwest and Karse to the northeast. Valdemar has a southern border with Rethwellan and Karse.
> 
> Crossover of crossovers, here we go!

 

Mildmay

 

This is the story of how I got kidnapped by a fucking talking horse.

Felix was bored in Grimglass Town, like we’d both hoped he wouldn’t be. I was fucking bored too, since you ask.

Grimglass Town was about half the size of Breadoven and not even half as interesting. Not much going on there. Looked like any dozen of the shithole towns I’ve seen, except for the ocean. I like it and Felix pretends it isn’t there. We didn’t figure on it being a problem, but it ain’t hard to see that somebody terrified of water won’t get cozy in a seaside town. Not that he had anybody to get cozy _with_ , and if it comes to that, neither did I.

Anyway, both of us weren’t settling in. The virtuer’s tower they’d wanted Felix for ended up being the lighthouse and you have to take a boat to even get to it. So, of course, Felix had to pretend that it didn’t bother him for me to row us over open water twice a day. And there was no one for him to talk magic with, except by letter to the virtuers and students in Esmer.

Kay was up past his neck in paperwork at Grimglass Castle and he kept Julian hopping most of the day, sorting shit out so those vulture uncles couldn’t snatch nothing away from Kay’s new stepson in the future and seeing that all the little fights everybody had got smoothed out. But I could tell Kay liked the work, and the days Felix didn’t need me for the boat, I’d go up to the manor and give Julian a few hours off. Mostly we’d talk, though I still read out loud a lot. Kay liked telling me what the books about Caloxan history get wrong. But he could do that with anybody really and I knew Vanessa read to him too.

What I mean is, Grimglass wasn’t what we’d hoped and although I thought I’d travelled enough for a few lifetimes, I was okay with the idea of going north. Kay suggested it six months after we’d arrived. He said it was important to know stuff about nearby countries. Felix jumped at the chance, anything to go inland, I figured. But he said he’d read some things in the lighthouse books about the weird shit they do for magic north of Corambis so that was our excuse. Kay gave us money, saying it was an ‘official expedition’ which was a nice way to say ‘go away before you blow up important landmarks’. The Grimglass people were real proud of that lighthouse and Kay knew that Felix hated it more and more every day. So we found supplies, packed up, and went.

Kay also gave me a notebook and told me to keep notes so I could give him a ‘full report’. I wasn’t sure how serious he was but I’d improved enough on writing that Felix said it was only practice I needed. I worked on the writing for Kay every day when we stopped for the night. Felix wanted to read it but he waited for me to offer and I didn’t. Part of living with Felix had shown me that I needed to keep some things to myself. I guessed when I wasn’t sure about spelling because I knew I’d be reading the notes to Kay anyway. I sure as hell wasn’t going to give them to Julian. He’d faint at the state of the pages.

Our first map wasn’t worth the vellum it was drawn on but I found a better one when we passed through a big city in Seejay. Everybody thought we were Corambins which was okay. I heard some weird languages but nobody expected us to speak them so that was good. We had this little cart, on account of my leg, with two horses to pull it. It had room for both of us to sleep in the back and an oilcloth cover in case of rain. I didn’t fancy walking all the way to wherever we were going but that cart was more trouble than it was worth some days. We’d left in late spring so the roads weren’t as bad. Small favours, since the cart had been sprung by somebody who didn’t know what the fuck they were doing and it bounced in the road ruts something awful. Mostly, we used hotels that were along the way but cities weren’t what you’d call plentiful so we slept in the cart sometimes and kept supplies in it too.

Felix really wanted to meet other hocuses, which made this trip basically the opposite of all the other ones we’d taken together. And Seejay was much more welcoming to magic than the Kekropian Empire. There were women Felix called hedge witches everywhere, with market stalls selling every kind of thing, right next to the vegetable sellers sometimes. Those weren’t the hocuses we were after, though both of us were surprised at how open they were about being there.

I was keeping my ears open like always and I heard some bad stories about the next country north, Ruven. Slave traders and bandits who attacked anybody not in a big group. I told Felix about it and I could see him planning on telling me to shut up but instead, he said, “We will need to find companions then. If the country is so dangerous, there are bound to be caravans.”

I wanted to tell him that there didn’t ‘bound to be’ shit. But I just said, “Okay,” because I knew Felix hates being at a loss. And even a stupid plan like maybe finding a caravan that would maybe take us with them and not just try to rob us as soon as we left the city, was better than sitting around wringing our hands. Or just deciding that we were scarier than the bandits, and though my leg was in a bad mood about those ruts in the road, I ain’t feeling too scary these days.

We were pretty close to the Ruven-Seejay border about two decads into our trip. I’d pulled over to a clearing beside the road where there were blackened places from other people’s fires. The horses were happily eating grass while still hitched to the cart. Felix was reading one of the books he’d borrowed from Grimglass Tower. I was fishing around in one of our packs, looking for my extra quill, when the Sibylline fell out and spilled across the ground.

Felix jumped up like the folding stool had bit him and we both stared at the cards. Three of them were face-up: The Magician, Strength, and The World.

“Did you drop them?” Felix asked, like he hoped I had.

“Never touched them,” I said.

Felix knelt on the ground and slowly picked up the cards one by one.

The last time those cards had made a fortune-telling reading on their own, we had been on a train in Corambis, on our way to rescue Kay, and I hoped like hell there wasn’t another death-machine around. Seejay folks weren’t as machine crazy as Corambins but you never knew what people had hidden away.

“Hmm,” Felix said, at last. He was staring at the pile of cards in his hand like he had never seen them before. I remembered what Mavortian had told me about the cards, way back in Mélusine before I had even met Felix or known I had an older brother at all, let alone a hocus one. Anyway, he had told me some of their meanings and I didn’t think these ones were too bad. Strength was obvious and The Magician meant magic and action. I wasn’t sure about The World.

I waited to see if Felix was going to say something else but he didn’t. He looked east, towards the road. I was just wondering whether _I_ would say something when Felix dropped the cards and bolted west, into the trees. Before I could think, I was after him.

If he got a lead on me, I’d never catch him. Frantic, I reached up and grabbed Felix’s shoulder. Then my leg gave out and we were on the ground. It hadn’t done that in a long time. I heard the frightened neighing of our horses.

Felix was panting like he’d run for miles instead of for a few steps. My breathing was pretty ragged too. Some of that was pain but I was also scared. If a bad magic thing happened to Felix, there was nothing I could do. Well, there was _never_ much I could do.

“Are you okay?” I asked. I wanted to let go of his shoulder but if he started running again…

“Yeah,” said Felix and I was immediately on full-alert. When Felix’s flash accent starts slipping, it means that he _ain’t_ okay.

He must’ve felt me tense up because he immediately said, “I mean, I am perfectly all right.” He was still gasping like a fish out of water but he sounded like a flashie again. I let him go.

Felix groaned and sat up. I tried to do the same but my leg felt like a block of wood some bastard was trying to carve.

“Oh, damn,” Felix muttered. I jerked my head up but he wasn’t looking at me. I followed his gaze back to our camp.

Fuck me sideways. We had company.


	2. Company

Felix

The Sibylline had reacted to strong magic nearby, certainly, but I had not been able to easily discern the source before I was compelled away. The spell was gone as suddenly as it had come and I was left in its wake, unharmed except for being out of breath, mentally cursing myself for a fool for not warding our camp.

Not ours alone anymore. There were three female wizards standing in the middle of it. I wished fervently for stone at my back instead of fickle wood. There was very little ambient power in this area and I felt distinctly disadvantaged.

Mildmay swore softly and I realized that we were both on the ground, just within a grove of trees. It bothered me that I couldn’t remember crossing the distance, short through it was. My left shoulder hurt as well as my right side. Mildmay must have pulled me out of the way, but how would he have known that the wizards would appear?

Appear was clearly the right word. The three of them had no horses and their long beige robes were immaculately clean. I immediately felt shabby and filthy, though we had washed that morning.

One of the wizards was talking but I couldn’t understand the language. The other two were looking around. I had a craven impulse to slip away but we wouldn’t get far without our supplies or the cart.

I blinked. The cart was gone. Several packs were lying where it had been, as if they had been thrown out. The horses must have been spooked by the strange spell.

Mildmay muttered, “Let’s go.” I turned to him. He was paler than usual and I saw that he was half-lying, half-sitting on the ground. His bad leg was stretched out behind him. He didn’t look like he could _crawl_ anywhere.

“Go,” Mildmay whispered, insistently.

“Not without you,” I hissed back.

“Fuck,” Mildmay sighed.

I glanced over at the wizards again. One of them was looking in our direction. Our eyes met and she gasped.

The other two wizards who had been kneeling and rummaging in one of our packs raised their eyes at the sound. They quickly stood up. One of them, a young woman with black braided hair, had our travelling papers in her hands. Kay had signed some impressive-looking letters of introduction for us to use as identification.

I slowly rose, trying to look non-threatening. “Good evening,” I called, pleasantly.

The older woman said something to the wizard with our papers. She gulped and stammered, “G-good evening.” Her accent was not bad, considering the distance we were from Corambis. “We didn’t know-” She stopped talking and looked imploringly at the older woman.

The older woman bowed slightly. “We did not… anticipate your location,” she said, with a slightly better Corambian accent.

I bowed slightly back. “So it seems,” I said. I bit my lip, stifling the sudden urge to laugh at the awkwardness of the situation. Unexpected company must be one of the biggest disadvantages for people who appear abruptly by magic.

The woman who had gasped, who had bright green eyes, said, “Is your- is he hurt?” Her accent nearly obscured the meaning of her words.

My mirth vanished as I looked down at Mildmay. He was facing the wizards now but his leg was still outstretched. His face was expressionless but I could see pain in it. If he could have stood up without help, he would have done so already.

“I’m okay,” he said, speaking slowly so they might understand him. It took newcomers a while to become accustomed to his way of speaking.

I looked back over at the green-eyed woman and smiled at her. She blushed. “Could you fetch his cane please?” I asked.

I assumed the older woman translated for her because she went to go find the cane. The request had been a test: Mildmay’s cane was heavy and would be seen as a possible weapon, in his hands if not mine. By agreeing to give it to us, these wizards were showing that they did not mind if we were armed.

Of course, I knew that Mildmay was always armed but the wizards didn’t know that.

The green-eyed wizard brought the cane over and cautiously handed it to me, though she was looking at Mildmay. Just as she put it in my hand, her eyes widened and she spoke rapidly in a language I didn’t recognize.

The older woman said something sharp and the green-eyed woman backed away from us.

I handed Mildmay his cane but he didn’t stir. He was watching all of the wizards intently.

The black-haired woman cleared her throat and asked, “Are you Felix Harrowgate and Mildmay Foxe?” She gestured with our papers as she spoke.

I smiled graciously. “Pleased to make your acquaintance.” I couldn’t resist adding, “So nice of you to drop by.”

The older woman smiled a little but the other two wizards looked blank. “I apologize for our intrusion,” she said. “We use this spot as our destination point regularly and there is usually a sign to warn off travellers.”

“So you appear and disappear often?” I asked, interested.

“It is called Gating,” she said, coolly. “We are White Winds mages. What is your school of magic? We find few magicians here.”

“I was trained as a Cabaline wizard in Mélusine, in Marathat.” I rolled up my sleeves and showed the astonished mages my tattoos.

“Well, those are certainly a… colourful way of wearing mage credentials,” the older mage said at last. “My name is Lissandra. These are my students, Hellen and Veris.” She gestured to the black-haired woman and the green-eyed woman. “We are on our way to our summer lodgings.”

I had a dozen questions I was eager to ask. “Will you stay for a moment? I have wanted to talk with mages of the White Winds school.”

“You’ve heard of our school?” Hellen asked, sounding surprised, “I don’t even know where Marathat is.”

“It is east and very far south of here,” I said. “I heard about your school from _Following the White Wind_.”

Lissandra’s eyes widened. “You have a copy?”

“No, but I found a long excerpt from it in _Founding Texts of Bright Magics_.” I was about to continue when Veris said something in her own language.

“Yes, how rude of us,” Lissandra said. “Standing here talking while your poor brother is injured and your camp in a shambles. Let’s go to work, students.”

Mildmay

I should have guessed that Felix would take an instant liking to a group of strange hocuses who appeared out of fucking nowhere. He and Lissandra went from sizing each other up for a fight to talking about books in no time. Complete flats, the lot of them. Felix at least should have known better.

The coincidence of us looking for White Winds mages and them popping up practically into our laps had me spooked. But since I didn’t want to say anything in front of them, I tried not to let it show. Felix was talking enough for the both of us anyway, asking questions about Gating and other hocus stuff.

I pulled myself up with the help of Jashuki and a handy tree. Veris hung around like she wanted to help me and I ignored her. She didn’t come close to me, small favours. I was not in the mood to make nice, especially not with complete strangers who put compulsions on my brother and scared our fucking horses away. We’d have to dip into our emergency money to keep going.  

I hobbled over to my stool like the lame old man I should remember that I am. My leg was screaming at me and I could barely balance on the stool. Veris hovered around until Lissandra barked something about getting a fire going. Powers, we were fucked if these hocuses weren’t as innocent as they tried to seem.

Hellen was no longer even pretending to tidy up and chatted away with Felix like they had known each other for years. Lissandra still bustled but there wasn’t much left to do. The cart was gone but it looked like most of the supplies had fallen out. We’d only had the two folding stools and Felix’s was in pieces. I decided that when my leg let me stand up, I would offer the seat to Lissandra. She looked worn out and it would be easier to do anything I might have to do if I was standing already.

I’d heard the lady hocuses speaking Trade Common and another language I didn’t know to each other, though they spoke Marathine to Felix. I’d always think of it as Marathine though they spoke it in Corambis too. I knew a bit of Trade Common by then since most people in Seejay tried it on me when I didn’t understand them. Lissandra’s Marathine sounded like a lot like Vanessa’s which meant she’d probably been taught our language at a fancy school. Hellen sounded more like the students at Esmer, still a bit flash but more relaxed.

“Excuse me? Messire Foxe?”

I looked up. Veris was standing in front of me. She was bunching fabric from her robes with her hands then smoothing it out.

“You are--” she started in Marathine, then stopped. “One moment, please.” She rushed off to talk to Lissandra. They both came back over to me.

I braced myself.

“Veris would like to know if you are from one of the Fifty Noble Houses of Mournedealth,” Lissandra said, as if she asked scarred, lame strangers if they were secretly flashies every day of the decad.

I gaped at her. That was the last fucking thing I’d expected her to say.

Felix and Hellen had stopped talking and were staring at me. Felix had both eyebrows raised.

“Um, no?” I finally said.

“Excuse her curiosity,” Lissandra said, “Green eyes are not common in this area. Veris was named for White Winds Adept Kethryveris Tale’sedrin because they have that trait in common. Adept Kethryveris was born in Mournedealth.”

Veris ducked her head, looking disappointed. I didn’t move. Could my father have been from Mournedealth? I hadn’t heard the name before but that didn’t mean nothing.

“Where is Mournedealth?” Felix asked.

“Jkatha,” Veris and Hellen said like a chorus. They grinned at each other and Hellen continued, “The city is in the northern part, near their border with Rethwellan. They were hit pretty hard by the Mage Storms, since they’re so close to the Pelagiris Forest.”

“Mage Storms? Do you mean lightning storms created with magic?” Felix asked.

Lissandra looked at him, surprised. “No, there were Storms from the echoes of an ancient magical cataclysm. It was a world-wide phenomenon. The worst one was just over a year ago.”

Hellen asked, “Didn’t you notice the magic acting strangely? Mages around here couldn’t work a simple spell right for weeks after the big Storms. And then there’s the Changecircles.”

Felix wanted to know all about those too. They kept going that way, Felix asking questions and Lissandra and Hellen answering him. I could tell Felix was having a bit of the same trouble he always had with Corambin magicians where the people he was talking to had ideas about magic which they thought were completely obvious and logical but which sounded dumb when Felix asked them questions. He tried to ask better questions and they flopped around like dying fish trying to answer them.

Veris was stuck on the sidelines because nobody was bothering to translate for her. She poked the fire and acted like she didn’t mind. I knew what that was like.

My leg was cramping up from sitting on the low stool and I just wanted to go to bed. The sun was about half set and the shadows of the trees kept getting longer. Finally, I stood up quietly and got the map out of my pack.

Veris came over to look at it too and she seemed a bit happier. She pointed to a tiny dot and said, “Quion.”

That was the next town north. I didn’t know how close we were to it, scale not being as important to the maker as drawing lots of tiny trees for the forests.

“Is it close?” I asked her in Trade Common.

Her eyes opened wide and she smiled at me. “Yes,” she said in the same language, “It is a short walk away.” She glanced over at the others. “If we leave soon, we will be there before nightfall.”

Fuck sleeping on the ground then. “Felix,” I said.

He finished his thought and answered me, “I have found it a useful metaphor. Yes, what is it?”

“Veris says we can get to the next town before dark.” He looked like he wanted to argue with me so I kept going, “Which probably has a hotel.” I turned back to Veris and switched back to Trade Common, “Does Quion have a hotel?”

She scrunched up her face and I said it again, slower. “Oh, yes, it has several,” she said, “It is the last big town before the border and the caravans leaving Seejay all stop there.”

I translated for Felix and he nodded. “Then it appears to be our best option to finding some new transportation,” he said.

Hellen blushed and said, quickly, “We really are terribly sorry about that.”

Felix waved his hand like it didn’t matter. “We will come with you to Quion and work things out there.” He, Lissandra, and Hellen scattered to pack things up and put out the fire.

I reached down to pick up the pack at my feet but Veris pulled it away. “I’ll carry it,” she told me, “It’s my fault you’re hurt.”

 “It ain’t _your_ fault,” I told her.

She smiled. “Partly at least. I delayed our journey by being ill. We would have been in Quion a week ago otherwise.” Her smile widened. “Our winter residence is in up in the Hammer Range and I’m glad to be around new people again. I was starting to talk to the trees and most of them weren’t really awake yet anyway.”

Hellen came over to us, carrying another pack, before I could think of anything to say. “Stop flirting, Veris, and let’s get moving,” she said, talking fast like she thought I wouldn’t understand.

Veris nodded meekly. Hellen walked by with her nose in the air and Veris stuck out her tongue at her back before following.

Felix walked over to me. “I don’t want to ask but-”

“Then don’t,” I said. “I won’t slow you down.”

He frowned at me. “You don’t look at all well.”

“If we waited for me to be pretty, we’d never leave,” I shot back and started limping towards the road.

Felix

 

Mildmay’s anger hit me like cold water in the face. He had every right to feel that way, of course. After he’d hurt himself for my sake yet again, I had thanked him by ignoring him to talk to strangers, then insulted him by implying he couldn’t keep up. It was so hard to keep my resolution not to take him for granted foremost in my mind.

At least I could recognize when I was doing it now. For years in the Mirador, I had barely noticed that I took my frustrations out on Mildmay. As I picked up my share of our supplies, I promised myself again that I would be more considerate.

Lissandra fell into step beside me on the road. “Has your brother seen healers about his leg? I would have thought they could do him some good.”

I shook my head. “He was treated by some very good healers but they…” I trailed off, remembering the Gardens of Nephele and why we had gone to Troia in the first place. I cleared my throat. “They were less than perfectly successful.” They had botched the job and had not bothered to try to fix it until I had intervened.

Thinking about Troia made me ask, “Do you think Mildmay really might be related to people in Mournedealth?”

Lissandra sighed. “I find it extremely unlikely, now that I have some idea about how far away your city is. But why do you say just ‘Mildmay’? Would they not be your relatives as well?”

I pushed down the mix of feelings that boiled up when she called Mélusine my city. It was no longer mine and never could be again. “We have different fathers. We were not raised together.” That fact was obvious to anyone who spoke to us but I supposed she was being polite.

Lissandra said, “My apologies.” We walked in silence for a moment.

“May I ask another impertinent question?” Lissandra asked.

I smiled at her while I braced myself for questions about my childhood. “Only if you do not absolutely require an answer.”

She gave a very small smile back. “I wanted to ask you about the aura around you. It is around your brother as well but much less strongly.”

“What do you mean by aura? I’m afraid I am unfamiliar with your terminology.” I wondered if White Winds mages used the Corambin definition of aethereal.

She gestured in frustration. “It is like an afterimage. Vivid but hard to describe. It looks like…” She lowered her voice, “Blood magic.”

I stumbled and nearly overbalanced trying to stay on my feet. Lissandra grabbed my arm to steady me and I instinctively threw myself away from her touch. Then I lost my footing completely and went crashing to my hands and knees into the dirt, the pack pulling awkwardly on my back.

Mildmay was there in a moment, standing between me and the startled mages. He stood still, not threatening, but immovable.

I was out of breath for the second time that day. I frantically tried to regain some semblance of control over myself and managed to stand up. Lissandra was wide-eyed and her students were surprised. “I am _not-_ ” My voice broke and I started again, “I am _not_ a blood-wizard.”

Lissandra said soothingly, “I know that.”

I stared at her over Mildmay’s shoulder.

“Do you think we would have calmly discussed magical theory with you if you were?” she asked, “I assure you, blood magic is as repugnant to us as it is to you.” She lowered her voice. “I only meant to ask you if you have received treatment for your injuries.”

I gave a strangled laugh. “What possible treatment could there be?” In the Gardens, the madness from Malkar breaking the Virtu with my magic was healed. But the long-term damage from the years of my apprenticeship to Malkar was permanent. Wasn’t it? And who could I possibly trust to heal me if it wasn’t? Who would I be afterwards? My mind was racing with questions.

Hellen started to say something but Lissandra waved at her to be quiet. “I meant no offense, Felix, I promise you,” she said, “Let us say no more about it.”

Mildmay

 

The rest of our walk into Quion was quiet and I was glad of it. My leg had been complaining since about the third or fourth step away from the camp. I was heartily sick of everything: my leg, the lady hocuses, the fucking road, and especially, questions about the past.

We found a hotel quickly enough just inside the town and Lissandra insisted on paying for our stay there as well as for our fare with a merchant caravan heading to Rethwellan. Felix put up a little fuss, for the look of the thing, and then caved. After shelling out the money, the lady hocuses went off to wherever they were staying. I was past even pretending to care by that point.

Thank all the powers and saints, our hotel had a bath house. I soaked until I was nearly asleep and then stumbled off to bed, feeling better but not much. Felix didn’t have anything to say to me, except good night, and I tried to remember that I was mad at him but I couldn’t stay awake long enough to even worry about that.

I had been longing for a nice, soft bed for days. Kethe must have been laughing his ass off at the absolutely putrid dreams I had.


	3. Caravan

Mildmay 

 

We got up early in the morning to catch the caravan. My leg was worse than when I went to sleep. Felix looked like he hadn’t slept at all. I hoped he still wasn’t thinking about that aura thing Lissandra had said was around us. But since I was thinking about it too, I wouldn’t have laid any bets that Felix had forgotten.

Our packs were still disorganized from yesterday but I didn’t have the energy to take stock of them and figure out what was missing. I wished there was time for another soak in the bath house.

“How is your leg?” Felix asked, as we were both trying to find clean clothes.

“It’s okay,” I said. I remembered again about being mad at him but it seemed hardly worth the effort.

Felix looked at me, the dark circles under his skew eyes making them seem creepier than usual. “Do you want me to help or do you just want to suffer?” he asked.

When I didn’t answer right away, he added, “You were thrashing all night. I know it must be cramped up.”

“We’ll be late for the caravan.”

“We’ll be later still if you can’t walk down the stairs,” he pointed out.

My leg did feel better after the massage and we made it downstairs on time. Felix got a stablehand to bring our packs, since he couldn’t carry all four of them by himself and I was still in no real shape to help. The caravan leader greeted us briskly and we put our packs into the covered cart she pointed out. We got to ride in the cart too, since we were pretty much breathing luggage.

The driver of our assigned cart told me that this particular caravan hardly ever took passengers so there wouldn’t be any real seats for us. She said they were just waiting on the mercenaries to arrive. “Some of them had a _very_ good night and their mages will be giving out hangover cures all day.”

I told Felix that the mercenaries would include hocuses and he looked interested.

“What kind of mages are they?” I asked the driver.

She shrugged. “One of them does mostly weather magic. I don’t know about the other one. He’s new and he keeps to himself. You can meet them tonight if you’re curious.” She grinned. “They have to be nice to paying customers so feel free to pester them with silly questions.”

I told Felix her answer and he sighed. “I’m glad one of us has a knack for languages. I would be in a fine mess without you.”

The unexpected compliment made me blush and I walked over to our packs, to pretend I was looking for something.

Felix followed me and pulled out _Inquiries into the World’s Heart_. We sat at the end of the cart and he opened up the book. The mercenaries took a half hour to show up. Felix shut _Inquiries_ when the driver called to us and put it back in one of the packs. He hadn’t turned a single page.

I knew which page he had been staring at. The book fell open there because he’d read it so often. It said, “Consider the stars. Among them are no passions, no wars. They know neither love nor hatred. Did man but emulate the stars, would not his soul become clear and radiant, as they are? But man’s spirit draws him like a moth to the ephemera of this world, and in their heat he is consumed entire.” Felix had told me that _Inquiries into the World’s Heart_ had been Gideon’s favourite book. He’d even recited that passage to Felix, on the battlements of the Mirador, before the roofs burned. I didn’t hear about that until after Felix taught me how to read. He told me more stories about Gideon as we read his books. I knew some of them already but it’s good to talk about the people you love after they’re gone. Anyway, the book was all about what folks should do and what they did instead. The kind of book, like Felix said, that you kept reading until it made sense.

We settled in as best we could with the bags and boxes in the cart. The uneven road made my leg hurt worse. Felix had his long legs pulled up, his chin almost on his knees.

“Hey,” I said, “Wanna play cards?”

His head came up and I pretended not to notice how bright his eyes were. “Anything to make the time go faster,” he said, but not in a mean way.

“I could teach you a new game,” I offered.

“I am certain you can win one I already know just as easily,” he said, smiling at me.

“Yep,” I said, making him laugh.

We played cards off and on for most of the day. Felix had no card sense, of course, but he paid attention to what I told him and ended up not doing too bad. We didn’t keep score, along of there not being a point. One of the best things about this particular trip we were on was that I didn’t have to play cards for money every night to pay our bills.

When Felix fell asleep in the afternoon, I looked for my notes for Kay. I finally found the thin notebook between two of Felix’s books. The road was too bumpy for me to write but I held it and thought about what I would say until the words lined up in my mind.

 

Felix

 

Concentrating on the card games helped push my unruly thoughts to the back of my mind but they were not gone. The idea that Malkar’s taint still clung to me and Mildmay was sickening. Lissandra’s words about healing kept going through my mind. Would healing my mind erase my memories? I had gone through that once already, losing almost a year of my life. The fragments that remained told me that it had been a horrible, terrifying year but I would rather have the whole than the pieces that sprang up at me without warning.

I wondered if Mildmay would take healing if it was offered. No, he would never trust a stranger that much. Though if I somehow learned how, he might let me try…

Which was a pointless line of thought because I _didn’t_ know how and there was no one to teach me if I wanted to learn. The only healers I knew of who could do anything like healing someone’s mind were in Troia, more than half the world away. Cabalines don’t allow healing, though I’d proven myself to not truly be one a dozen times over, even before my exile. The magicians of Corambis could only heal the body, or at least, I have never heard of any attempting to work on the mind.

I fell asleep without noticing and had a muddled dream about my thoughts turning into knots that I tried to untie with clumsy fingers. Then someone laid their hands over mine and everything was green and smelled like cloves.

I woke up when the cart stopped. It was long before nightfall, to give the caravan’s people enough time to set up camp. Our driver talked to Mildmay who told me that we should stay by the cart until they were ready for us. I climbed out and stretched, feeling like my bones were creaking. I’d slept through the midday meal. With a start, I realized that we hadn’t eaten dinner last night or breakfast that morning. Little wonder I was hungry.

I turned back to the cart. There had been some food in each pack. I remembered Mildmay insisting on that when we packed supplies. However, thoughts of food flew out of my mind when I saw Mildmay attempting to climb out of the cart. His face was strained and he was sweating, despite the cool wind and overcast sky.

Wordlessly, I presented my shoulder to him. There was a pause and then his hand came down. I winced as unexpected pain shot down my arm. I had forgotten about my sore shoulder from yesterday.

Mildmay landed next to me without a sound, the end of his cane hitting the ground before his feet. “Thanks,” he said, sighing.

I looked at him out of the corner of my good eye. “Have you eaten today?”

“Have you?” he asked me, blithely.

I rubbed my face with one hand. “No, and I cannot remember if food is included in the caravan’s price or if we should have brought our own.”

“It’s included but you probably won’t like it much.”

A new voice startled me into looking up. It belonged to a handsome young man wearing fine yellow-green robes. His hair was short, curly, and light brown. His nose was on the large side, especially compared with the fine bones of his face. He was paler than most of the weathered mercenaries around us and certainly dressed better. He was too young for me but his overall appearance was quite charming.

He smiled and extended his hand. “I’m one of the mercenary mages. My name’s Toliver.”

We shook hands and I said, “Felix Harrowgate. Pleased to meet you. This is my brother, Mildmay Foxe.”

Toliver shook hands with Mildmay as well and turned back to me. “Happy to make your acquaintance. As soon as I heard we had passengers, I had to come over and make you feel welcome.” He looked at the cart we had been riding in dubiously. “Is this how they treat paying customers?”

“I had a similar thought myself,” I said.

“Well, it just won’t do,” Toliver said, cheerily, “Come along with me and I’ll find you some comforts. Won’t be much, but it’ll be better than sitting on luggage.”

He walked away, waving to us to follow. I looked at Mildmay and he shrugged so we went after the mage.


	4. Toliver

Felix

 

Toliver continued to go out of his way to be accommodating and we were soon sitting on padded benches while he cooked us an early dinner of stew. From our conversation, I learned that his mother was Corambin and he had learned the language from her. He was eager to hear anything I could tell him about Esmer and Bernatha, since he had never been to either city. I tried to draw Mildmay into the conversation but he was very quiet. At first, I thought it was just his usual wariness of strangers but he hardly ate anything either, though Toliver was a surprisingly good cook. I wondered if Toliver had any medicine for pain and if I could make Mildmay take it if he did.

“That was delicious,” I said, as Toliver took the empty stew bowl from me.

He grinned. “I expect it’s not what you’re used to but I’m glad you liked it.”

I sighed theatrically. “It’s been a long journey and I’m afraid I have become used to burned bread and watery soup.”

“There are worse fates but poor food can sour any journey,” he said, tactfully passing by Mildmay and his nearly full bowl to go back to his seat. “Why are you travelling north, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“I am looking for unfamiliar schools of magic,” I said, “Mostly to satisfy my own curiosity.”

“Depending on what you mean by ‘unfamiliar’, I might be able to point you in the right direction,” Toliver said, “I have been on the road for a long time and I always keep my eyes open for new spells.”

I gave him a smile. “I am sure you can. Perhaps even demonstrate a few.”

He laughed. “Oh, I’m at a firm Journeyman level myself. But I’m so interested in magic that I learn about spells I don’t have enough power for just to _know_ about them. I specialize in small protections and simple illusions.” He gestured at his robes and the fabric and colour changed to much cheaper, duller versions of themselves.

Mildmay inhaled sharply and I knew I was staring.

Toliver smiled. “You flatter my vanity by pretending that you couldn’t see through them the moment you saw me,” he said to me.

“I assure you, I couldn’t,” I said. I remembered seeing magic near him but there had been nothing surprising in that.

Now it was Toliver’s turn to look surprised. “Maybe we have more to talk about than I realized,” he said.

 

Mildmay

 

The little bit of Toliver’s stew that I’d eaten was like a rock in my gut. I should have been hungrier, should have been more worried that I wasn’t. But my leg took up most of my attention and the little bit left over was for Felix and Toliver’s conversation.

His spell must have saved him lots of money on clothes. I could have almost wished that he’d teach it to Felix. But it was probably bad hocus manners or some shit to use magic to pretend you’re fancier than you are. If it wasn’t, the Mirador would have been full of spelled clothes and the laundresses would have all quit.

Toliver was saying, “Most upper-level mages can see through my illusions easily, once they know I am a mage. Maybe you were taught to perceive magic in a different way?”

Felix looked thoughtful. “I have had some success in changing my perspective before. Tell me how you think of magic.”

I remembered when Felix had shown Corbie and Cyriack Thrale a way to see noirance, something about thinking about the moon light and dark at once. I hadn’t been able to do it, of course, but it had worked for them. He’d also said that magic was all in the metaphor you used. I had been gladder than ever that I’m annemer and don’t have to worry about it. Felix had talked with Hellen yesterday about metaphors and I wondered if he was planning on having the same kind of conversation with every hocus we came across.

Toliver said, “Magic is created by everything that lives. It flows through the world and gathers in streams and pools like water.”

Felix nodded. “Yes, the White Winds mages I talked to said something similar. What kinds of things can magic do, in your experience?”

“Before we go on with this discussion, I want to tell you something. Something almost no one knows,” Toliver said. He paused, bit his lip and went on, “When I was born, they thought I was a girl. My body is female but my mind is male. So magic can help me.” He spread his hands. “I can look like the man I am on the inside.”

I was surprised but not that much. I knew some people back in Mélusine who’d been born into the wrong bodies and who’d tried to fix them with clothes and macquillage.

Toliver looked at Felix earnestly and said, “I wanted to tell you because if I teach you how to see through my illusions, you would see my body and I didn’t want…” He trailed off, looking embarrassed.

Felix started stammering but I interrupted him. “We ain’t gonna tell nobody,” I said.

Toliver stared at me. I said it again, slower. When he kept staring, I thought about trying again using flash grammar but Felix beat me to it.

“We won’t tell anyone,” he said, “Thank you for trusting us.”

I thought it was nice of him to say ‘us’ since it was clear from his face that Toliver had forgotten that I was there at all. It would have been funny if he hadn’t been so upset. I’d worked for most of my life to be invisible but between the red hair and the lame leg and the fucking scar, I was nearly as noticeable as Felix these days.

Toliver cleared his throat a few times and stared at his hands. He looked younger than I’d first thought. Maybe that was part of the spell too.

I glanced at Felix but he was looking away too. I stood up.

Felix’s head came up and he glared at me. “Sit down,” he snarled, like we were back at the Mirador.

I ignored him and walked over to the latrine trench. When I was done, I tried to casually wander around but everybody was side-eying me like I was going to steal their horses so I went back to Toliver’s fire.

He and Felix were talking again, about Corambis again instead of hocus stuff. I sat down and held back a sigh. Powers, I was tired.

“Well, this has been wonderful,” Toliver said. “But I have to go put up the camp’s wards. Melissande should be done scrying the weather by now.” He smiled at me. It almost looked real. “I hope we can talk more when I get back.”

I could see he wasn’t excited about the idea and neither was I but I nodded anyway.

Toliver waved at Felix and walked away.

I must have fallen asleep for a septad minute because I opened my eyes to find Felix standing in front of me, holding out a mug of tea.

“Thanks,” I said. The sun had just about set and the warmth of the tea felt good in my hands. 

Felix sat down next to me and offered a bowl. It had a different pattern than my stew bowl, all blue spirals instead of orange squares. It had a bunch of mush in it.

I stared at the bowl stupidly until I realized that it was more of Toliver’s stew but with the meat taken out and the vegetables mashed up. Sickbed food.  I took it anyway.

Felix didn’t say anything while I ate and drank. The stew had weird spices in it that I hadn’t noticed before. The tea was the same kind that we’d brought from Ingiru and I wondered if Felix had gone to get it out of our packs. When I was done, I almost expected him to say ‘good job,’ like he had when I’d been sick with the Winter Fever and coughing so much I could barely swallow. I put the bowl and mug carefully down on the ground.

“We are going to Rethwellan,” he said, finally. “It would be easy enough to detour through Mournedealth on the way back.”

“There ain’t nothing there,” I said. I’d been wondering when we’d get around to this talk all day.

He looked at me. “But there could be.”

“No,” I said. “It was a long damned time ago and there won’t be anybody there who’d believe it anyway.” If it was true at all.

“But you could learn about your family and-”

I cut him off. “You’re my family.”

Felix blushed. “Not much of one,” he muttered.

“More than I ever thought I’d get,” I said and bumped his arm with mine.

He winced and rubbed his shoulder. “Well, if you are so set against the idea, we won’t go there,” he said.

The fall yesterday _had_ hurt Felix then. I’d thought so when he’d let me lean on him while getting out of the wagon. I hoped it didn’t hurt too much.

Toliver walked up. “I’ve just had a chat with the caravan leader and she says you should both ride in my cart tomorrow. I have an extra seat and room to stretch out in the back.”

Felix said, “That’s very generous of you.” I kept looking into the fire.

Toliver laughed. “Oh, I have an ulterior motive.”

My head jerked up and beside me, Felix froze.

“I want more stories about Corambis,” Toliver continued, smiling like he hadn’t noticed our reactions. “And some magic is easy enough to demonstrate while on the move.” He paused, grinning. “As long as the mage isn’t the one driving the cart!”

Toliver was the kind who laughed at his own jokes and I liked him a little better for that. It was nice to see a hocus not take himself too serious.

He sat down in the other spot and smiled at us. “Is there tea for me?” he asked, fishing around in the box of dishes by his feet.

Once Toliver had found some cups, Felix poured him some tea and some for himself.

“How long till we get to Rethwellan?” I asked.

Toliver looked blank so I said it again. “Oh. About a month to the border, then another week to Petras. We’ll make good time on Tallgrass Plain but the forest roads near the border will slow us down.”

Nearly four decads. Well into the summer. We’d have to start back a couple decads after arriving in the capital. I didn’t fancy travelling in the winter, especially not this far north, and I didn’t know how early it would start getting cold.

Felix sighed. “I had not realized how far away it was.”

“Yes, it’s a long way. But isn’t Corambis just as large?” Toliver asked.

“The trains make it smaller,” I said.

“The famous Corambin railways. What are they like?”

“Fast, noisy, and dirty,” Felix said.

Kay didn’t like the trains. He had told me he’d fought to keep them out of Rothmarlin for years. Now that he was Warden of Grimglass, he couldn’t stop them going into his old margravate.

I looked at the sky. The clouds were fading from their sunset colours. My leg hurt a little less now but it still needed stretching before bed.

Felix noticed where I was looking and said, “Is it that late already?”

Toliver said, “Right, I’ll help you get settled.”

I’d expected the offer. I wondered if Toliver was so helpful with all of the paying customers or if it was the cult of Felix at work already.


	5. Delton

Felix

 

Travelling by merchant caravan was slow. We were welcomed like lost kindred in the little villages and towns of Ruven. The people invited the merchants to spend the night in their homes and the caravans always stopped for at least a few hours no matter the size of the settlement. The mercenaries, Toliver, and Melissande stayed with the wagons in shifts when we were near a village or town with a bar. Mildmay and I usually stayed in the houses when we were given an invitation but the people were less enthusiastic about us than the merchants and we only got an invitation if there were enough available rooms for all of the merchants as well. It was unsurprising, given that we had nothing to trade with them and the only thing we wanted to buy was the occasional quiet drink.

Mildmay made friends with some of the mercenaries but I mostly stayed with Toliver. We discussed magical theory endlessly and I was fascinated by his perspectives on the magical schools and spells I had read about in Grimglass Tower’s books. As he had told me at our first meeting, he could not demonstrate many of the spells he knew about but his descriptions were excellent, clear and focussed without simplifying the more complex elements. He thought I was making fun of him the first time I started taking notes.

His demonstrations of his illusions were uncomfortable for both of us at first. We shut ourselves up in one of the caravans the first time so he could show me how he built the illusions up from nothing. His body was slim and his chest was bound. His face didn’t change much with the illusions off and he was able to laugh, telling me about the trial of creating illusory stubble on his chin every morning and then ‘shaving’ it off with a dull razor. I was careful with my words, not wanting to hurt him by mistake. After that first session, he never let down all of his illusions in front of me again. We focussed on the layering which made his illusions unique. I had never knowingly met anyone who wore illusions all the time. The constant outflow to maintain them left him with less magic for other spells but his other illusions were magnificent because of all that practice.

Most days on the road, I would sit up front with Toliver while he drove and Mildmay would sit in the back of the cart. They would trade sometimes and Mildmay would drive. His leg seemed about the same as it had been with our little cart. Sometimes, I could coax him into telling a story while he drove. I made an effort to include him in discussions about non-magic things around the fire in the evenings.

Mildmay and Toliver were also trying to teach me Trade Common. There was unlikely to be anyone in Rethwellan who spoke Corambin, except perhaps a few scholars. It was strange not to see the words in my mind as I said them. Toliver said there was little use in me trying to learn to read Trade Common since it was in a different alphabet than Corambin. I’d have been better off studying Rethwellan but we had no books in that language with us and there would almost certainly be none for sale until we got to Petras.

The last town before the Rethwellan-Ruvan border was Delton. Its shops were full of tasteless knickknacks and I would have walked right past except that I caught sight of a large carved figure with green eyes standing outside one of them.

I stopped to look at it more closely and Mildmay stopped with me. Our caravan had halted in Delton for the night, though it was only mid-afternoon, and the two of us took advantage of the early stop to walk through the town. The figure that had caught my attention was of a woman with long blonde hair. She had a colourfully painted orb in her upturned palm and a sword held up in the other hand. She was as tall as me, which must make her a little larger than life.

When I looked up, I saw that Mildmay was studying another figure, on the other side of the doorway. This was of an even taller woman, dressed in black, with a sheathed sword at her side. She had brown skin, braided black hair, and a hawklike nose. At her feet lay a carved wolf.

“Do you think they are local goddesses?” I asked Mildmay.

He shrugged.

“I’m going to go in and ask,” I said, “It will give me a chance to practice.”

Mildmay followed me inside. The store was packed to bursting with the same kind of knickknacks I had noticed in the other shops: plates, cups, smaller carved figures, cloth dolls, and more. Now, however, I realized that they all depicted the women from the doorway.

“Excuse me,” I said to the girl behind the counter. “Who are they?” I gestured to the merchandise.

She understood me because she started speaking quickly in Trade Common. I didn’t catch most of the words but I thought I heard ‘mage’ and ‘Mournedealth, a week’s ride from here’.

Mildmay asked, “How long ago?”

He had to repeat himself twice before the girl understood but she answered him readily enough. “I’m not sure, a long time.”

He thanked her and we left the shop. As soon as we were outside, I said, “So?”

“They’re heroes named Kethry and Tarma. They saved the town from something bad.”

I waited for him to mention Mournedealth but he didn’t. I hadn’t realized that we would be passing so near to it on our way to Rethwellan. It was about as far to the capital as to Mournedealth from here, if I had heard the shopgirl correctly.

We went back to the tavern where most of the mercenaries were drinking. Toliver was there and I asked him about Kethry and Tarma.

“Oh, there are plenty of songs about them,” he said, “They travelled around Jkatha, Ruven, and Seejay, rescuing women in distress.”

Something was nagging at me. “Was Kethry a mage?”

“Yes, and she had a magic sword too. They are nuts for her around here because she saved Delton _and_ she’s almost local.”

“She’s from Mournedealth,” I said, remembering, “And she was a White Winds mage?”

“She was taught in the school near there. Though the one she founded is somewhere else, I forget where. That was after they retired and there aren’t any songs about that.”

“How close is Mournedealth?” I asked.

“About a week’s ride. Why?”

“I am thinking of going there,” I said.

His face fell. “Oh.”

I smiled at him. “You have been so hospitable that it will be hard to leave. But I may not be within a week’s ride of a White Winds school again.”

Toliver nodded slowly. “They are hard to find and they tend to be far away from cities.”

“Besides, aren’t you coming back through Delton in three weeks? We could meet up here then and say goodbye properly.”

He looked a little more cheerful at that.

***

Mildmay was not so easily convinced.

“You’ve met White Winds hocuses already,” he said, “And if they’re hard to find, wouldn’t they not wanna talk to you?”

“I spoke with Lissandra and Hellen for less than an hour. I assure you, I did not learn everything I want to know!”

 “I told you, there ain’t nothing in Mournedealth worth bothering about,” he said, stubborn.

“There is a White Winds school, at the very least,” I snapped, “And I want to go there, so you can come with me or I can meet you in Petras.”

“Why the fuck would I go to Petras without you?”

“You seem in a dreadful hurry to get there.”

Mildmay glared at me. “I don’t give a flying fuck about Petras and you know it.”

“Then why does it matter if we go to Mournedealth?”

“You know why.”

I threw up my hands. “No, I don’t! Please enlighten me.”

He didn’t answer, just looked at me.

I sighed in frustration. “Fine. We won’t try to find anything out. We’ll just go there to get directions to the White Winds school. Will that satisfy you?”

Mildmay sighed.

“I’m going to go find some horses to buy. Are you coming?” I asked.

He didn’t look happy about it but he came with me.

***

The selection for horses in Delton was not large but we found a stable with a few for sale. We both looked them over and picked two that looked like they might be able to muster something better than a slow walk.

I suggested that we try them out. The man running the stable was reluctant but a glare from his wife brought him around. She insisted on taking our coats and Mildmay’s cane since we ‘wouldn't be going too far’. Mildmay gave her a black look but it seemed like a good compromise to me.

I chose the black gelding and Mildmay the grey. We took them around the yard at a walk and then went into the pasture to try their faster paces. They were better horses than we had any right to expect in such a small town, and they came with their own tack.

I urged my horse into a canter and Mildmay’s kept up. He looked a little strained, his body tense. I called over, “Want to stop?”

In answer, his horse started to gallop. I laughed and urged mine on as well. The speed was thrilling. We’d spent so long at the snail’s pace of our cart and then the caravan, I had almost forgotten that horses could do more than walk. We almost flew over the ground.

“Felix!” Mildmay’s voice was high and frightened.

I looked for him. As fast as my horse was going, his was in the lead. The grey was going at a pace I had never seen before. As I stared, I felt a very slight pulse of magic.

His horse jumped the high fence at the end of the pasture like it wasn’t even there.

“Mildmay!” I shouted. But he was already out of sight, galloping into the forest.


	6. Gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: self-harm, blood

Mildmay

 

I’d known there was something off about that fucking horse when I’d mounted up but Felix and I had already been snapping at each other and I hadn’t wanted to try to explain. He would have just thought I was sulking about going to Mournedealth anyway.

A big white horse is kind of a bizarre sight to see in a stable in a shithole town like Delton. Felix had called it ‘grey’ when he was picking it out but that was just one of those stupid flashie horse rules. If any horse in the whole world deserved to be called ‘white’, it was this one. Anyway, the horse had seemed smaller when I was on the ground. Then, it had started moving.

From the beginning, I didn’t have much control. The horse kept going faster and faster, no matter how hard I pulled on the reins. I decided to fall off but I couldn’t make my hands or legs let go.

I managed to call out to Felix but then the horse jumped the pasture fence and we were in the trees. Branches kept hitting me and I tried to fall off again and again.

The horse ran for a long time. We followed no trail. The horse had to jump over lots of logs and scramble up hills. It had been close to sunset when we’d started this crazy ride and it was at least two hours into night by the time I managed to fall off. I landed badly and I may have blacked out. It was so fucking dark in the forest I couldn’t tell if my eyes were open or shut.

I’d hoped the fucking horse would have just kept running without me but no such luck. The bastard came around and whickered at me, like we were old buddies. I kept lying on the ground, playing dead if you wanna know, and tried to keep my breathing as quiet as possible.

I stayed still for a long time. My leg felt awful and I was shivering. The ground was wet underneath me. My shirt and trousers were soaked in a septad minute.

I could hear the horse moving around. The bastard should have been exhausted by now. Kethe knew I was and I’d only been riding, not running. But part of my exhaustion was from fighting that compulsion.

I’d had enough compulsions put on me to be able to recognize one easy. What I couldn’t figure out was _why_. Why me. Unless I had stepped into a trap meant for Felix. My brain kept screaming at me that it must be Strych but he was dead. Memories flooded me and made it hard to concentrate.

The whole thing could almost have been one of my nightmares. I’d been having them almost every night for the past month, with one in particular repeating over and over. I’d had it before, in the Mirador. Dreaming didn’t mean I thought it would come true and Felix really would become a blood wizard. But eight nights of the decad, I watched his face change until he looked exactly like Strych. The worst was that he kept begging me to make it stop. To kill him. And half the time, in the dream, the obligation d’âme wasn’t broken and I’d have to do it.

I hadn’t told Felix about it, of course. He could do all kinds of dreaming magic and I’d worried he’d take my dream too serious.

The fucking horse was closer to me than before. I had my butterfly knife in my boot but I’d have to move to get it. Anything that could run as fast as that horse wasn’t natural and there was no telling what the bastard would do next.

I kept still, trying to think of what to do. Something kept distracting me, like a sound I could almost hear. When I focussed on it, it faded to nothing but it came back as soon as I turned my attention away.

Suddenly, something warm bumped my shoulder. I yelped and reached for my knife. The compulsion was over me again before I touched it. This time, it didn’t just keep me from moving. My body sat up and started to stand. A lightning bolt of pain shot through my leg. I screamed.

The next thing I knew, I was riding the fucking horse again. This part of the ride was more dream-like because it was so dark. The trees blocked out any stars that might have been visible. I thought the horse must have found a trail to run on since the bastard wasn’t jumping at all. It was then that I realized my leg didn’t hurt half as much as it should have from the fall and getting up wrong. That was low down on my list of worries though. I kept fighting the compulsion as best I could.

It was an absolutely miserable fucking night and I’ve had a fair number of those. It started raining around dawn. I hated that horse more and more with every step it took.

I fell asleep, in spite of it all, and woke up later on. We were going down a rough road with dark trees lining it as tall as the cathedrals in Mélusine. The fucking horse was still running far too fast. The sun hid behind the clouds so I only had the vaguest idea where it was. The rain made mist on the ground and I wondered in a daze if I was still asleep. I ached all over from riding all night and if I ever got off this horse alive, I knew I wouldn’t be able to stand up on my own. My cane was back with my coat in Delton. I tried to remember which direction that was but I couldn’t. The horse had dodged around too much in the dark and I’d gotten muddled. We were going roughly northwest by the sun, if it was afternoon. Probably well into Rethwellan by now, no matter how much the horse had changed directions in the night. So Delton would be behind us, to the south east.  

I wondered what Felix was doing.

 

Felix

 

The only thing that stopped me from riding after Mildmay immediately was being dragged bodily off my horse.

The owner of the stable had been following us. When my horse refused to jump the pasture fence, he caught up with me, dismounted, and pulled me off my horse. We were both shouting. In my fury, I couldn’t understand what he was saying.

“Get away from me!” I yelled, trying to shake him off. His hands dug into my shoulders. I swung at him and he pinned my arms behind me. Wildly, I thought of using magic on him but I managed to stop myself in time. The man kept shouting.

A moment later, two more men and a young woman rode up. They dismounted and came over to help the stable owner hold me. I bit down a wave of panic and tried to calm down.

The woman asked me, “What happened?” in Trade Common.

“The horse ran with my brother,” I said, panting, “There was magic.”

They talked among themselves. I heard ‘thief’ and ‘magic’ repeated often. The owner still held on to me.

At last, they came to a decision. We walked back to the stables, with the two younger men each taking one of my arms. I kept stumbling. It felt like missing the last step on a flight of stairs and striding into empty air, over and over. At last, I realized I had been trying to reach for Mildmay through the obligation d’âme, the bond that hadn’t connected us for nearly a year now.

The stable owner and his people kept shouting at each other and occasionally at me but I no longer paid them much attention. I was busy racking my brain, trying to think of a way to find Mildmay without the obligation d’âme. My first impulse of chasing after on horseback was clearly ludicrous. The horse was obviously bespelled and no ordinary horse would be able to catch up, even if I was able to follow its trail. My notes on searching spells were in the Mirador, of course. I’d been able to take almost nothing into exile.

I flinched violently at the memory of the last time Mildmay had been kidnapped.

Around me, the voices stopped. No one was holding my arms now, which I was intensely grateful for, but the young men were looming over me. I was sitting on a stool in the stable with everyone gathered around me, except the young woman. Her absence was explained when she came into view, followed by a panting Toliver.

“What happened?” he asked me, eyes wide.

“We were trying out the horses. Mildmay’s ran off with him. I sensed magic right before it happened.”

“You’re sure?”

I exploded. “Of course I’m sure!” I was standing now, towering over everyone, shaking with rage. “You think I don’t _know_ what a compulsion feels like?” My vision was going red and I struggled with myself. I didn’t have the luxury of indulging my emotions.

After a deep breath, I turned to the stable owner, “And now I want to know who owned that horse before you did.”

After a second of silence, Toliver translated my question. The stable owner answered, stammering and staring at me.

“He says, they found that white horse wandering a few days ago. No marks, no tack. They figured it had run off from some traveller,” Toliver reported.

I snorted. “A strange, inexplicable horse from the Pelagiris Forest and they just took it home? Weren’t you just telling me a story the other day about some of the ‘Changecreatures’ sneaking into a village and killing half the population in the night?”

“No,” said Toliver softly, “Mildmay heard that story from some of the mercenaries.”

I closed my eyes for a second. Then I said, “Fine. If these people don’t know where that horse came from, I’ll find out myself.”

I stepped forward but one of the young men blocked my path. He said something and jabbed me in the chest with his finger. I called witchlights and they flared to life around my head like the rays of a green sun. The young man jumped back and I strode out of the stable.

I let the witchlights fade away as soon as I was outdoors. My pace grew more and more rapid until I was almost running. Then I did start running. No reason not to, at the moment. No one around to slow down for.

I was rummaging through the packs when Toliver finally caught up with me.

“What are you going to do?” he asked.

I didn’t look up. “Find him,” I said, through clenched teeth.

Finally, my grasping fingers closed around the Sibyllene. I pulled the deck out and sat down on the ground.

I tried to breathe regularly as I shuffled the cards and felt the cool darkness of their magic waken. I had to shuffle them seven times before I was calm enough.

Toliver watched me lay out the cards. I couldn’t remember whether I had actually used them in front of him before or just mentioned them to him in passing.

I used a three card layout: the past, the present, and the future. Holding Mildmay as the question in my mind, I turned over the first card. The Dog. I growled at the card and turned over the next one. The Spire. My breath came faster.

The last card was not Death as I had dreaded but the enigmatic Wheel of Fortune. I stared at the three cards for a long time. The Dog had represented Mildmay in my readings before: loyalty and controlled violence. The Spire must mean imprisonment in this case which was certainly true from my sensing of the compulsion spell. But the Wheel of Fortune meant change and the future was always filled with change.

Finally, I picked up the cards and shuffled them again. Trying to find Mildmay with the cards alone would be difficult, if not impossible. The Sibyllene’s symbolic nature made it almost useless at finding locations in unfamiliar terrain.

“Do you have a scrying bowl?” I asked Toliver.

He nodded and went to find it for me. I took my rings out of their travelling case and put all ten of them on with shaking fingers.

Toliver had filled the bowl with water and brought a lamp as well. I hadn’t realized that the sun had nearly set.

I took a deep breath and lifted my hands over the bowl. The water began to ripple. I waited for it to clear.

After a few minutes, I pushed a little more magic into the spell. The water still rippled with no sign of any images.

At last, after a solid hour of trying, I let Toliver take a turn and stood up to stretch my aching muscles. My eyes hurt from staring into the sparkles the lamp made on the moving water but I still found the knife easily.

Toliver looked up when I came back. “No luck,” he said, “Not that I really expected… what is _that_ for?”

I sat down on the opposite side of the scrying bowl from him and started rolling up my sleeve.

“Felix, what are you doing?”

I ignored Toliver and slid the blade lightly across my upper arm, hating myself for enjoying the spark of pain. The knife was too small and blood trickled over my hand as well as the blade.

“Felix! Stop! That’s blood magic!”

I looked straight into Toliver’s pale face. Freckles I’d never noticed stood out against his skin. “Not if I only use my own blood.”

I held the bloody knife over the scrying bowl and flicked a few drops in. The water had stopped moving when Toliver had lost concentration but it almost boiled as I dropped the knife and raised my glittering, blood-smeared hands over the bowl.

I saw something in the water, a flash like red hair. Then the water swirled and turned white. There was a sound like a thunder clap and all of the water turned into a great cloud of steam. When it had cleared away, Toliver’s scrying bowl was cracked down the middle.

“Damn,” I said, meaning it.

“It was never meant for anything as strong as that,” Toliver said.

I raised my eyes but he was looking at the bowl. I fumbled for words. “Toliver, I-”

He waved his hand and said, shakily, “I have other scrying tools. I’m more worried about you.” He finally met my eyes. “Please don’t do that again.”

I nodded. I _would_ do it again without any hesitation if I thought it would help.

“Here, let me bandage your arm.” He reached toward me and I leaned back.

“I’m fine,” I said, “I can do it myself.”


	7. Trance

Felix

 

Blood still oozed from the cut, but I had made it shallow. After I had wrapped a clean rag around my arm, and Toliver had cleared away the pieces of his former scrying bowl, I pulled out my bedroll and spread it on the ground. I climbed in, only removing my boots.

Blocking out all the noises of the camp, I sought the trance where I could control my dreams.

My construct-Mélusine was oddly comforting in its simplicity. I stood on the battlements of the Mirador, with the city and its seven gates spread out around me. The Sim was a thin line of black sludge, though it grew wider when I focussed my attention on it. I quickly turned away from the river and looked at the gates around me.

I opened the Porphyry Gate, for dreams that answer questions, and looked through it. Instead of Mildmay, I was shocked to see Mehitabel Parr.

She looked the same as the last time I’d seen her, the night when Gideon was murdered. She was sitting up in bed, reading. Her dark hair was loosely braided and she was frowning slightly at the page. Then she looked up and smiled straight at me.

I jumped but there was no need. Lord Stefan Teverius walked into my view and Mehitabel’s smile was for him. He sat down on the bed with his back to me and I shut the gate on their embrace.

I stepped back to the center of my construct. I was not interested in the dubious romance of people thousands of miles away but suggestion is powerful, especially in dreams, and my mind had inevitably gone back to the Mirador as I had entered its mental stand-in.

Concentrating on Mildmay, I went back to the Porphyry Gate and opened it again.

He was lying on the ground. There were trees all around. It was absolutely dark but I could still see everything, the way one can in dreams.

I stepped through the gate, leaving it open behind me. “Mildmay,” I called, walking over, “Are you all right?”

He didn’t stir. His eyes were open and moving but he didn’t see me. I reached out to touch his arm.

“Get away from him!”

I turned quickly. There was no one there, only the horse standing and staring at me. Its white coat glowed, despite the darkness.

“Stand back, mage, or I will crush you, astral projection or not!”

The voice was definitely coming from the horse, though it wasn't speaking with its mouth. It was a male voice, full of fury and self-righteousness. The horse started moving toward us, menacingly.

“Don’t hurt him!” I said, moving so I was directly between Mildmay and the horse.

He laughed. “Fine words, coming from you.”

The horse kept coming closer. His blue eyes blazed, growing brighter and brighter until I covered my eyes with my arms.

When I opened my eyes, I was staring up at the pale light of dawn. Scattered raindrops dripped down my face like tears.

***

I had packed up as quickly as possible after getting up. I’d tried to go into a trance again but the combination of the rain and my restlessness made it far too difficult. We’d hardly unpacked while travelling with the caravan but I still needed supplies. Food was foremost on my list, especially since Mildmay would be hungry when I found him.

Toliver’s voice startled me.

“I’m coming with you.”

“What?”

“I’ll help you find Mildmay.”

I pulled myself together. “Not that I don’t appreciate it, but…” I trailed off. I knew there was some pressing reason why Toliver shouldn’t come but I couldn’t think of what it was.

He continued as if I hadn’t spoken. “I talked to my captain and he said I could have a leave of three weeks and meet them back in Delton for the return journey. It’ll mean a cut in pay but I will still have a job to come back to.”

“I couldn’t ask you to do that,” I protested. I didn’t want to complicate Toliver’s life. He’d told me about mercenary companies and how close-knit they all were. If he didn’t perform well, he could be blacklisted with the guild and denied future jobs.

“It’s already arranged. We can even use two of the spare horses, as long as we bring back replacements.” He snapped his fingers. “Right. Messenger from the town brought these last night, after you were already asleep.” Toliver handed me a bundle of mine and Mildmay’s coats and his cane.

“Thank you,” I said, “He’ll need these when we find him.”

Toliver nodded and gave me a small smile. “We’ll find him, don’t worry.”


	8. A Horse And His Boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my brother for coming up with this chapter title, after I described the story to him. Also thanks to C.S. Lewis for writing a book of the same name about a talking horse taking a young man to a distant land in order to save him (though Bree is much more diplomatic about the whole thing iirc).

Mildmay

 

I started coughing that second evening. It was still pissing rain and I’d been cold and miserable all day. The horse had not even slowed down. He reminded me of the trains in Corambis. Though rain isn’t driven into your face on the train and it does stop sometimes.

I kept falling asleep and I’d wake up coughing. Only the compulsion kept me upright. Every muscle hurt from the constant pressure of it. I was fucking thirsty too. I’d been opening my mouth and swallowing the rain until my coughing got too bad and I had to stop.

The third or fourth day, I was sure I was hallucinating because we were passing these huge mountains with snow on their tops. They couldn’t be real because there were no mountains on my map until the Comb in northern Rethwellan. There was no way any horse should have been able to get there in four days. I was pretty feverish at the time but I remembered that much.

I kept forgetting about the horse which was ridiculous but that’s how fevers are. I’d try to sit up but I was already sitting up, and I’d try to get out of bed but I couldn’t move and there was no bed, only the endless motion of the horse. I kept hearing this weird sound like bells chiming and it took me an embarrassingly long time to figure out it was the sound of the horse’s hoofs striking the road. I was certain by then that the horse was some kind of machine, though I could feel his warmth and hear his breathing between the chimes.

I don’t remember arriving at the house. One moment, I was riding through the rain and the next I was lying in a warm bed in somebody else’s nightshirt. There were people in the room, talking fast in a language I didn’t know. I ached all over and I couldn’t stop coughing. Finally, a woman in green poured some tea down my throat to shut me up. It tasted awful but I did my best to keep it from coming back up. At that point, I hardly cared if they poisoned me or helped me. I just wanted to stop coughing.

Time went by in a blur. I never knew whether it was night or day because the room had no windows. Anytime I was awake, there was the woman or the man in green, pouring tea into me or trying to make me eat something. I threw up after they force-fed me porridge and they mostly stopped trying after that and doubled up on the tea instead. They talked to me the whole time too. I found that comforting or scary, depending on how bad my nightmares had been. Sometimes I talked to them back, though I could barely understand myself and I knew they couldn’t. When I was really feverish, I tried to go find Felix and they held me down.

When my cough was a bit better and my fever was nearly gone, the lady and the man started trying to get me to talk to them. They must have known that I didn’t speak their language but they kept trying. I was in no mood to be helpful. If that damn horse had brought me here, these people were part of whatever was going on. I held on to that idea and scowled at them between bouts of coughing and bowls of mush.

Finally, I woke up to an empty room. Mine was the only bed, with a cold hearth on the opposite wall. A chair and table were on the left side of my bed. Everything looked like it was scrubbed every day.

I pushed the blankets away and stood up carefully. My leg was unhappy but it held me up. I took two steps and was at the door. It wasn’t locked.  I opened it and after a bit of exploring, found the front door. It was bolted from the inside so I wasn’t surprised to see stars in the sky when I opened it.

I went slow. There were more houses to the left of the house but to the right, there was just the road. I turned right so no one would see me go.

The night was a warm one and there was a half-moon to see by. They must have done something for my aches as well as the fever because I was hardly stiff at all. I wished I had my cane. Jashuki would have made the going a lot easier. Shoes would have been nice too.

I’d only walked for a half hour or so before I heard that chiming sound. Almost as soon as I heard it, the horse was blocking the road in front of me. His white coat glowed in the weak moonlight and he looked more like a ghost than anything alive should.

“What the fuck _are_ you?” I mumbled, suddenly so tired that I wanted to curl up on the road.

_:I am a Companion,:_ the horse answered. _:My name is Jaysen and I choose you, Mildmay the Fox.:_

Everything stopped and it was like nothing in the world existed but me and the horse. His blue eyes were all I could see. I felt a sudden rush of feelings: worry and pride and joy and protectiveness and love all mixed up. They overwhelmed me. I could only stand there and stare.

The horse stepped forward and put his head on my shoulder. The world started again. I staggered under the slight weight and had to grab the horse’s mane for balance.

_:You are still so ill,:_ he said, _:I had hoped you would be well when I made the Choice official.:_

I couldn’t think. Nothing made sense. The horse—the Companion?—was talking inside my head. Only Strych had ever done that. Maybe it was all a fever dream. Horses don’t talk. And horses also don’t use compulsions or run for days without food.

I stumbled away from the Companion and almost fell down.

He tossed his head. _:Come now,:_ he said, the words rolling around inside my head, _:You need rest. We are only a few days from home and it has been a hard journey.:_

“Why?” I burst out.

Jaysen’s mental voice sounded almost smug. _:I rescued you. Don’t worry, you’ll be safe now.:_

“Safe?!” I yelled. “Safe, being kidnapped by a fucking _talking_ -” I started coughing and had to bend over and lean on my knees. I was so mad I could barely see.

A wave of comfort like a smothering blanket fell over me. _:It’s all right. I’ll protect you. He can’t get to you here.:_

Ice gripped my stomach and I straightened up too fast. “Who?” I asked, though I could guess.

_:That blood mage.:_

“He’s dead,” I said, because Strych _had_ to be dead. I’d seen him burned alive and you don’t get much deader than that.

I could feel his confusion now. _:No, I have guarded against his scrying spells for days. He tried again earlier this evening.:_

Horror filled me. “You’re talking about _Felix_? He ain’t-”

The bastard cut me off. _:You are confused. It must be his spells. I can see their echoes around you.:_

“He ain’t a blood wizard!”

_:Everything is going to be all right,:_ Jaysen soothed. _:Let’s get you back to bed.:_

“No!” I yelled. I saw him moving in time and jumped back before he could reach me. My leg crumpled under me and I fell down on the road.

_“Mildmay, calm down.:_ He sounded genuinely distressed. _:You’ll hurt yourself.:_

“Don’t touch me,” I said, as mean as I could. It was a pathetic try but I was out of fucking options.

The Companion whinnied and his mental voice was full of worry. _:Please, Mildmay. You need to go back to bed.:_

I almost started coughing but I held it back. I had to try to talk sense into him. “Listen. I don’t know what the fuck is going on but Felix ain’t a blood wizard. He’s my brother and he’s looking for me because you fucking _kidnapped me_. Understand?” I stared up at him, a big white shape in the half-dark.

_:I understand that you need to rest. Let me help you.:_

I almost laughed but choked on a cough instead. “Fuck off,” I said. I would have said more but I couldn’t keep the coughing down anymore.

That time, I didn’t see him move.


	9. Searching

Felix

 

“Damn!” I flipped Toliver’s second-best scrying bowl over, letting the useless water spill out. It soaked my feet as I stood up but I was too angry to care. “Every time I get close, it stops working!”

Toliver looked up. “Breakfast’s ready, if that helps.” He was already eating from a steaming bowl.

I paced around the camp, working out my aches from sitting on the ground for too long. “In a minute,” I said.

“Did you get a direction this time?” Toliver asked, after I’d calmed down and was sitting with him.

“No,” I said, disgusted. A couple of the times I’d tried scrying, I’d gotten a faint pull, always northwest by Toliver’s compass. Most of the time, like now, all I got for my efforts was a splitting headache.

Toliver sighed. “Well, the trail is still pretty easy to follow. That horse went crashing through everything in its path.”

I nodded. In spite of the periodic rain, Toliver had been able to pick up the horse’s trail the morning after Mildmay had disappeared. He claimed not to be a master tracker, but I was fairly certain that was just modesty. I would have been worse than lost without him and I knew it.

Toliver turned the conversation to other subjects. I gave him very poor attention. Time was running out. We had been on the road for just over a week and Toliver would have to turn back any day now in order to make it back to Delton on time. I wrestled with myself about whether I was selfish enough to try to convince him not to go back.

Soon after, we broke camp and started following the trail again. At about noon, we stumbled into a small village. The people stared at us with cautious curiosity.

I tried my Trade Common on them. “Have you seen a white horse come through here?”

Most of them looked blank but one woman with a toddler on her hip came forward. “I saw one,” she said, showing me the gap between her front teeth as she smiled.

I waited for her to continue but she just stood there, smiling at me. Toliver took a coin from his belt purse and gave it to her. “Tell us what you saw,” he said.

Her narrative was not easy for me to follow but I heard as much as I needed to. The horse carrying Mildmay arrived at noon five days before. It had stopped to drink water from a rain barrel. Then came the part of the story which confused me: one of the villagers had given the horse oats and another had brought bread and cheese for Mildmay. Then the horse had galloped off again.

When I asked the woman why they had been fed, she muttered something incomprehensible about rewards. Toliver’s face blanched and he asked her if the horse was a ghost. She said, yes, she thought so.

I knew I couldn’t have understood correctly but I waited until the woman went away before turning to Toliver. “What did you mean, ‘ghost-horse’? It definitely was a real horse.”

He looked shaken. “There are stories about white horses from Valdemar. They are magical in some way. The Shin’a’in call them ‘ghost-horses’ and the name caught on. When I first joined the Guild, I was told about the rumoured rewards for anyone who helped a white horse and its rider.” He shook his head. “The riders are supposed to be dressed in white, though.  And I’ve never heard of a ghost-horse kidnapping someone.”

My heart sank. “Let me guess, Valdemar is north-west of here?”

Toliver nodded slowly. “The mountains of The Comb mark the border between Rethwellan and Valdemar.” He pointed to the horizon.

I looked. The village was on a slight hill and the jagged peaks of mountains were clearly visible above the trees. “And you decided not to mention these magical white horses before because…”

Toliver sighed. “Because I didn’t think of it until now. We thought it was a Pelagiris creature before.”

I dug my fingernails into my palms. “What do you know about Valdemar?” I asked Toliver, still looking at the mountains. The Perblanches Mildmay and I had crossed were probably about the same size as the mountains I could see. I had spent most of that journey in a haze of grief and guilt, but I remembered that it had not been an easy trek.

A light touch on my arm made me whirl around. Toliver pulled his hand back. “Sorry,” he said, “I just wanted to say we should have lunch at the inn. Maybe someone there will know more.” He smiled. “What I know about Valdemar could be written in large letters on a small piece of paper and still have paper left over.”

Trying to coax information out of villagers in a foreign language did not sound at all appealing. “I’ll join you in a little while,” I said.

Toliver’s eyebrows came together but he nodded. “Come when you’re ready,” he said. I turned back to the view of the mountains as he led our horses away. I felt guilty for not going with him but not guilty enough to make myself follow.

I ran my fingers through my unruly hair. It was almost to my shoulders now. I would have to start queuing it again soon or have it cut. Most of the men I had seen in Seejay and Ruven kept their hair fairly short. Here in Rethwellan, the fashion seemed about the same.

I brought my hands down hurriedly when I realized that I had been pulling on fistfuls of my hair. I was still standing in the street of the village; anyone could have seen me. Swiftly, I walked away from the inn and down the gently sloping road. Once there were trees and small fields on either side, I slowed down.

Walking on the road was a nice change from riding through the forest. I didn’t recognize most of the trees and plants so far north and it was nice to look at the sky because it was still almost the same. I could pretend that I wasn’t thousands of miles from home.

I did much too much pretending. With a deep breath, I faced the truth: I felt lost. Lost like I had been spun around and left to wander in a labyrinth alone. No attempt I’d made to find Mildmay had worked; I hadn’t been able to go into a trance since that first night and I had never been very good at scrying in water.

If it was my fault, I was sabotaging myself without knowing it. This time, I hadn’t let myself hide behind pathetic excuses. I _had_ tried, really tried. But I had no tools but what Toliver had thought to bring along, no books but my own tiny collection. In desperation, I’d tried to use the stones in my rings to scry but they showed me only shifting patterns, like clouds in a storm, tinted blood red. So I went back to scrying with water morning and evening which yielded nothing but headaches.

I missed him more than I thought I could miss anyone who wasn’t dead. He couldn’t be dead. That horse wouldn’t have taken him all this way just to kill him.

They were at least five days ahead. If those mountains were the border between Rethwellan and Valdemar, the horse had almost certainly reached Valdemar days ago. What then? Why had the horse taken Mildmay? If it was a magical ghost-horse, why take my annemer brother, and not me, a wizard with an affinity for the dead?

I should be trying to find the answers to my questions instead of wandering off alone. If I could puzzle the riddle out by myself, I would have done it days ago. Turning back to the village, I saw Toliver coming down the path with our horses. I tried to smile at him, but it was probably more of a grimace.

When he was close enough to hand me my reins, he said, “They didn’t know much more than that woman told us. I brought some bread for you, made fresh this morning.” Toliver gave me the bread with a half-smile.

“Thank you,” I said, numbly. I mounted up and we started riding again.

The bread tasted like ashes. When Toliver wasn’t looking, I threw it away. For some reason, it made me think of turnips and running through the dark.


	10. Escape Attempt

Mildmay

When I woke up, I knew something had changed. There was this pressure in my head. It felt more like the obligation d’âme than like anything else but different too. Less like a choke-chain and more like someone standing behind me with their hand on my arm. But all inside my head.

I opened my eyes. I was in a bed, back in the windowless room. The lady in green was sitting in a chair next to me. She was looking into the cold fireplace. Her hair was brown with grey in it, pulled back from her face. Her green clothes were a loose tunic and trousers that had a patch on one knee. She looked tired.

She sighed heavily and glanced over at me. Her eyes widened as she saw that I was awake.

“Lord and Lady!” she said, “You gave me a turn.” Recovering, she smiled awkwardly, “And how are we doing today?”

How could I understand her? She wasn’t speaking Marathine or Midlander or Trade Common or any other language I knew.

_:I am translating for you,:_ said a voice in my mind. Jaysen.

That smug comment was _it_. The last fucking straw. I was getting out of there and I was done being polite about it.

I sat up, fast, making the lady in green jump. “What are-” she started to say but my fist went into her belly before she could finish.

She fell out of the chair, gasping. I dodged around her and out the door.

I stumbled through the house, pushed past a man in green, and shoved the outside door open. It was midday. I had to slit my eyes against the glare.

I turned right and started running down the road, though it hurt like stepping on nails. I’d walked my feet raw last night without noticing.

My knee seized up within a septad minute of running, of course. I didn’t fall down on the road but it was a near thing. I gritted my teeth and kept going. It hurt to think. I wished for the fucking stupid obligation d’âme jangling in my head so I’d know which way Felix was.

“Stop!” someone behind me yelled. That was familiar anyway.

I was going too slow. The nightshirt reached past my knees and wasn’t made for running. Everybody and their dog were staring at me. Another marvelous escape, Milly-Fox. What do you do for an encore, get run over by a cart?

My eyes were adjusting and as I opened them wider, I saw a familiar white shape coming towards me. “For fuck’s sake,” I muttered, pissed off all over again.

But it wasn’t Jaysen. This Companion was bigger and shinier than Jaysen. Or maybe he only looked bigger because the woman on his back was so small.

I didn’t have time to wonder about her though, because the next second, a new voice in my head took my whole attention.

**_:JAYSEN!:_ **

It was so loud that I fell to my knees with my hands over my ears. Didn’t help.

**_:JAYSEN, WHAT IS GOING ON? YOUR BOND WITH YOUR CHOSEN IS MUCH TOO WIDE. TIGHTEN IT UP AT ONCE!:_ **

I heard Jaysen’s voice then, much quieter. _:I’ll try, Grove-Born.:_

Something happened inside my head and the pressure faded a little.

**_:Better. What in all the Havens happened? He looks half-dead.:_** The new voice wasn’t deafening me anymore but it wasn’t what you’d call soothing.

_:We had a… difficult journey,:_ said Jaysen.

No fucking shit.

Someone touched my arm then. I flinched. I hadn’t heard them coming.

“Are you hurt?” It was the rider. She was wearing a nice white tunic and white trousers but kneeling in the dirt beside me like her clothes didn’t matter.

“Fuck,” I said, cause she also wasn’t speaking any language I knew.

“Don’t be afraid,” she said, trying to put one of my arms over her shoulder. The wrong one to help me, but she didn’t know that.

I pulled out of her grasp, keeping my head down. She was stronger than she looked.

_:She’s trying to help you,:_ Jaysen said, like I didn’t already know.

“Go away,” I said to both of them. My leg was cramping up bad. The anger I’d felt was draining away.

“Pardon?” the white rider said. “I couldn’t…” She trailed off.

Like an idiot, I turned to look at her. Her hazel eyes caught me. I couldn’t turn away. She looked so calm, so kind I wanted to cry.

“Bright Lady,” she breathed. She reached out like she was going to touch my face.

I lunged away, got my feet under me somehow. I took one stumbling step and ran right into Jaysen. As soon as I touched him, the world started going dark.

**_:STOP THAT AT ONCE.:_ **

Jaysen stopped. I was back on the ground, flat on my face now. The two voices in my head kept talking and I had no option but to listen in.

**_:If you_ ever _make your Chosen faint again, there will be a reckoning. And it will not be with me.:_**

_:But Rolan, he was-:_

**_:When I want your excuses, I will ask for them. You are a foolish foal AND THAT BOND IS STILL TOO WIDE!:_ **

I groaned as his voice got louder again.

_:I have to translate for him! He doesn’t speak Valdemarean.:_

**_:You can do that by- Oh, come here.:_ **

Both voices stopped. Small favours, since it meant I could hear the rider talking.

“-and a stretcher. I’ll try to see how badly he’s hurt.”

“Yes, Herald. Do you want Healer Hyacinth to come?” That was a young girl’s voice.

“No, thank you, she can wait for us in the House of Healing.”

There was a pause, then the rider said, much more softly, “I am sorry for startling you. But everything will be all right if you let us help you.”

I pushed myself up onto my elbows. I didn’t want their help, hated that I needed it. My leg was throbbing. Jaysen had said ‘Valdemarean’. We must be in Valdemar then. It had been the northern edge of my map, a hell of a long way from Delton. Those mountains hadn’t been a dream.

Despair stabbed through me. It would take a month or more for me to walk to Petras in Rethwellan, even if I was close to the border. Kethe knew what Felix would have done by then.

_:Mildmay, I know it is hard to understand right now,:_ Jaysen said, trying to be soothing, _:But all of this is really for your own good.:_

I glared up at him. “Get out of my fucking head!” I yelled. Stupid idea to yell at a horse whose hooves are inches from your head but I was past caring.

He didn’t say anything but I could feel his distress. It was creepy as fuck to feel his emotions. I had more than enough of my own to deal with.

“Here’s the stretcher, milady Herald,” a panting man said.

“Oh, thank the Lady,” the rider said, “Let’s help him onto it.”

I didn’t fight them, though I could have done it. No point, now I knew how far I had to go. Better to let them patch me up and leave later.


	11. Talia

Mildmay

 

Once I was back in the bed, the man in green tried to give me some sleepy tea. I wouldn’t take it because I was waiting for the lady I’d punched to come in so I could apologize. But the rider came in alone.

She waved the man off. “Thank you but that isn’t necessary. It will be easier for me if he is awake,” she said.

The man nodded and left, glaring at me as he went.

The rider sat down in the chair next to the bed, moving her sword out of the way like she wore one all the time. I watched her but didn’t look into her eyes this time. Now that there weren’t voices in my head distracting me, I saw she wasn’t as young as I’d thought, closer to her fifth septad than her fourth. She had a heart-shaped face, tanned white skin, and curly brown hair. I counted at least four knives on her, not counting the one in her belt.

“My name is Talia,” she said, finally. “What is yours?”

“Mildmay,” I said. No point in giving a fake name, ain’t like anyone would have heard of me here.

“And you speak Valdemarean?”

I shook my head.

She frowned. “But you can understand me.”

I nodded.

Talia paused. “Well,” she said at last, “I’ll speak Valdemarean and we will try to find another language for you. I can’t just ask yes or no questions. Do you speak Karsite? Rethwellan? Hardornen? Trade Common?”

“Trade Common,” I said. I wanted answers more than I wanted to not talk to her.

She smiled. “I’ll do my best but that wouldn’t have been my first choice.”

When I didn’t say anything, she continued, “So, Mildmay,” she said my name very carefully, “Where are you from?”

“Mélusine,” I said, “Way south.”

Talia waited for me to say more. “We left Corambis in the spring,” I said, thinking she might know that one.

She nodded. “You have certainly come a long way.”

She’d gotten an answer so I figured it was my turn. “Why am I here?” I asked, clear as I could. The scar makes it hard for people to understand me. Talia wasn’t asking me to repeat words so maybe they were coming out good enough. Trade Common wasn’t half as bad as Kekropian for having the wrong kind of consonants.

“You were very ill. Do you remember?” Her voice was terribly kind.

 “Yeah. But why am I in Valdemar?”

Talia sighed. “Ordinarily, it would be against the rules for me to tell you if you don’t know already. But yours is a special case.” She shifted in her chair. “Mildmay, you were Chosen by a Companion. They look like white horses but they are more than that. They Choose Heralds to serve Valdemar, to keep the people safe. Heralds enforce laws, make judgements, and…” She paused but then went on, “And use their Gifts, magical or mental, as directed by the Crown.”

I gaped at her. It must be a mistake. Mildmay the Fox, going around enforcing laws? Powers and saints, what a fucking joke.

I started laughing. Once I’d started, I couldn’t stop. Tears came to my eyes and my chest hurt with it.

Finally, I caught my breath and calmed down. Talia silently handed me a handkerchief. I wiped my eyes with it and crumpled it in my hand. I breathed deep.

“Are you all right?” Talia asked.

Her voice sounded strained so I looked into her eyes for the first time since we’d come inside. She was holding back a smile.

“It is a bit much to take in at first,” she said, letting the smile out, “But I assure you, Companions don’t make mistakes.”

I didn’t know about other Companions but I’d already figured out that if a mistake could be made, Jaysen would be the one to do it. “So, you’re telling me that I was kidnapped and put under a spell to come here and be a _magistrate_?” I didn’t know ‘magistrate’ in Trade Common so I had to use the Marathine word.

Talia was frowning again, leaning forward. “Wait, what was that? A spell?”

“I didn’t want to come,” I said, bluntly.

Her eyes widened. “You were under a spell?”

“Don’t know the word in Trade Common. A spell so I couldn’t move, had to do what he wanted.”

I’d said it all as careful as I could but Talia still looked lost.

“Compulsion,” I said, slow, in Marathine.

“Mind control,” she breathed, leaning back in her chair like it shocked her.

Now she was getting it. “Yeah,” I said.

Talia took a deep breath. “That… that would explain a lot.” She half-smiled at me. “I’ll put shields on you right away. No one, not even a blood mage, will be able to get past those with my Companion backing them up.”

Blood mages again. “No,” I said, “It wasn’t a blood wizard. It was Jaysen.”

She blinked at me. “Jaysen?”

“The Companion. Who kidnapped me.” She really hadn’t understood me at all.

The man in green walked in, still with a special glare for me. “My apologies, milady Herald, but we really must give the patient medicine now.”

Talia frowned at him. “I am still talking to him. I will let you know when we are finished.”

The man sighed heavily and left again. I heard him mutter something about Heralds all being the same just before the door closed.

Talia turned back to me and smiled apologetically. “So. Jaysen kidnapped you?”

“Yeah.” I was starting to feel like I was trying to bail out a boat with a sieve. Was it worth even trying to explain the whole stupid thing again?

“I’m sorry, I am still not sure who Jaysen is.”

“Horse,” I said.

“Oh!” Talia’s eyebrows went up. “He brought you here and you didn’t know what was going on or why.”

“Yeah,” I said.

“And then you were ill and he probably started MindSpeaking to you, didn’t he?”

I nodded, relieved she was getting it.

She looked sympathetic. “That must have been frightening! I’m sorry about how abrupt everything has been. We really do try to break everything to the newly Chosen slowly.” She put her hands on her knees, getting ready to stand up. “The Collegium Heralds will explain it all much more thoroughly, when we get to Haven.”

I felt a sinking in my stomach. “Haven?” I asked, trying to say the sounds she’d used rather than the meaning that had come into my head.

“The capital. A few days north. You can ride there with me.” Talia stood up and stretched. “We’ll go the day after tomorrow probably. Jaysen will be able to keep you in the saddle even if you aren’t completely better by then.”

I bet he could. She’d turned to the door and had it half-open before I found my voice again. “Please,” I said. The word almost choked me but I got it out.

Talia turned around, concerned.

“Please,” I said, “I have to go south. I have to find Felix.” How long had I been gone already? Too long.

She let go of the door and came back to her chair. “Felix?” she asked.

“My brother.”

She looked away from my face, at a spot on the wall behind me. I turned but there was nothing there.

“Oh, no,” Talia said quietly. Then she met my eyes again. “We’ll talk about this later,” she said, very gently, like I was made of glass and would crack if she made a loud noise.

I wanted to shake her. What did she know about Felix? What did she _think_ she knew? “No,” I said, “Now.”

She shook her head. “Later,” she said, still so gentle.

I pushed back the covers and swung my legs over the side of the bed. Or tried to.

Talia winced. “Later, Mildmay,” she said, more firmly, and left the room.


	12. Argument

Felix

I wander through the paths of the Khloïdanikos, looking at the snapdragon flowers. They are numerous and lovely, growing in bright patches of colour. The high sun shines down on green lawns and decorative trees stretch into the distance.

A warm and pleasant breeze flows over my skin. As I inspect the flowers, a nagging thought forms. I try to push it away. The peaceful feeling I’ve been enjoying slowly disappears. Suddenly, I know what was wrong.

There is no smell of perseïds.

It is daytime, I reassure myself. Those flowers bloom at night.

As fast as blinking, the sun vanishes. When I look up, the sky is an endless void of blackness. A howling wind whirls around me. I hear it breaking the branches of the trees. My eyes are fixed on the empty sky, though I try over and over to look away.

I woke up with my bedroll twisted around me, gasping. My fingers were clenching the blanket and hurt to uncurl. I lay on my stomach, afraid to turn over and confront the sky.

Once I’d calmed down a little, I rolled onto my side and curled up. I wished Mildmay was there. Half the time when I had a nightmare, he’d wake me up from it. But even when he didn’t, I had felt better knowing he was there. I supposed I could awaken Toliver but he was a sound sleeper. Besides, I had my pride.

I knew why I’d been dreaming about the Dream Garden. For days, I’d tried to go there. Thamuris would at least have a different perspective on the problem. However, every attempt ended in my failure. Physical distance had never mattered before but perhaps I was finally too far away to reach a place based in Troia, even a construct of thaumaturgical architecture and dreams.

Or it was my fault.

By the time Toliver woke, hours later, I’d been hopelessly scrying for most of the night. Or trying to scry; my head hurt so much that I was reduced to glaring at the water with my head propped between my hands.

Rage had been building inside of me since Mildmay had been kidnapped. I was trapped. Trapped by our glacial progress, trapped by my ignorance of the landscape, and most of all, trapped by my debt to Toliver. I hated needing his help. I hated his calm lack of urgency. He was kind to me and I hated him most of all for that.

“Felix?” Toliver said, tentatively.

“What?” I growled, looking up.

“Are you all right?”

“No, Toliver, I am not _all right_ ,” I said, as nastily as I could. “So I would appreciate it very much if you would stop asking me if I am.”

He put up his hands in surrender. “Fine, I’ll stop.”

I hated him for the injured look on his face. “No,” I said, “You won’t. You’ll keep going on and on at me. As if your concern had any relevance. As if,” and here my voice grew icy, “your opinion mattered to me at all.”

Toliver stared at me. “What are you talking about?”

I laughed. “You didn’t really think I _learned_ anything from you? Darling, I have a hundred times more power than you could ever hope for.”

He was gaping at me now. “Felix-”

I interrupted. “You have pretty illusions, certainly, but what _use_ are they when it comes down to it? What use are _you_?” An idea was forming in my mind.

Toliver shook his head. “You’re just upset-”

I interrupted him again. “No, I’m just tired of pretending I want you around.”

That struck a nerve. “What?” Toliver yelped. “I’m the only reason you’ve gotten this far!”

It was such a relief to finally be arguing with someone. “Oh please. I could have hired any woodsman to guide me. You were the one who _begged_ to come along.”

“Because I was worried about you!” Toliver burst out. “And now I see I shouldn’t have bothered!”

“No, you shouldn’t have,” I said, turning away, “And I’ll finish the journey without your hinderance.”

“Fine!” Toliver shouted at my back.

I could hear him angrily packing up his supplies and saddling the horses. I swallowed the rest of my unfair, untrue insults and waited.

Finally, there was silence. I turned around and glared at Toliver. He looked more worried than angry now. That wouldn’t do.

“Are you _still_ here?” I said, arching one eyebrow. “I would have thought you could leave faster than _that_.”

His expression hardened, whatever reservations he’d had about leaving me alone clearly evaporating. “Goodbye, Felix,” he said and mounted up.

I waved.

He pretended not to see. Then he rode out of the clearing, the horse that had been mine following on a long tether.

Good. If he changed horses often, he’d get back to Delton in time to meet his mercenary company. I smiled grimly. I wasn’t quite as selfish as I’d feared after all.

***

There was no chance of getting lost on the way to the Comb. Every time I looked up, there were the mountains. The packs were heavy and I had to stop to rest often. Toliver had taken his scrying bowl with him so at least I was not wasting my energy on that useless activity.

Two days after the fight, the border post came into view. There was a rectangular two or three storey building with several smaller outbuildings around it. Those were made of wood while the main building was made of stone. The ground around the road had been built up to create a large, almost flat area for travellers to wait. On the far side of this area were two huge gates made of wood that were standing open. There were guards on the road, half in orange and half in dark blue, in the gap between the gates.

I approached the border guards slowly. I might look like a tramping peddler but that was no reason to behave like one. I smiled at the nearest guardswoman. “Good afternoon. I wish to cross into Valdemar,” I said, in my best Trade Common.

“Papers, please,” she said, her expression unmoving.

The papers I gave her were obviously not the type she was expecting. The guardswoman turned them sideways and flipped them over, squinting as if at one of those picture puzzles where there is a vase and a woman’s profile in the same space.

I waited, packs at my feet, hands folded loosely in front of me.

At last, she snorted and looked up. “Rethwellan?” she asked.

I shook my head. “I am from Mélusine,” I said.

She sighed. “No. Rethwellan _papers_.”

I shrugged helplessly. Toliver and I had crossed the Rethwellan-Ruven border somewhere in the Pelagiris Forest, not at an official guard post.

She jerked her head at me and three other guards stepped forward. She handed one of them my papers and spoke rapidly in a language I presumed was Rethwellan. The new guards gestured for me to come along with them. When I reached for my packs, they were picked up by my escort and taken away to another room.

I followed the guards, not letting any of my anxiety show. If there had been a choice, I would not have gone to the official border crossing. However, the road led right past it and I knew I would be lost in moments if I tried to strike out into the wilderness to find an alternative route.

The guards led me to a tiny room that looked like a section of the hallway blocked off. There was a door directly across from the one we had entered by and two chairs facing each other. The far chair had a side table next to it, effectively blocking the other exit. On the left wall, there was a blue banner with a white horse in the center of it. The guards directed me to sit in the near chair.

We waited.


	13. Interrogation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the (unintentional) summer hiatus.

Felix

 

I folded my hands to keep them from shaking. The familiar pain of my poorly healed fingers helped to settle me down. I had the emergency money that Mildmay had hidden in his coat in my beltpurse; I could afford a fine for not having the right papers. A fine or a bribe, however it played out.

After a while, the far door opened and a woman walked in. Her white tunic and trousers did nothing very flattering for her complexion or figure. A young girl in blue with her hair in two long black braids followed her.

The woman in white put a number of slates down on the table. They were covered with writing in white chalk. She nodded to me and my escort. The guard with my Corambin papers handed them to her and she glanced reflexively at them before sitting down. The girl closed the door and leaned on the wall beside it.

The woman lifted a slate and examined the one below it  for a moment, then cleared her throat. I met her gaze. Her eyes narrowed.  I didn’t let my inward smirk show on my face. My eyes have always unsettled the unprepared. The left is golden-brown and the right is blue. Decorative but not terribly useful, since my blue eye is nearly blind.

The woman leaned forward, effectively halving the distance between us. Her next action stunned me to the core. She spoke into my mind.

 _:Are you a mage?:_ she asked.

I lurched backward against the back of my chair. She looked completely annemer. No magic, from the grey of her hair to her polished boots. But how then could she speak to me mentally?

“I-I beg your pardon?” I said. I had almost slipped and asked the question in Corambin but I caught myself in time and spoke in Trade Common.

_:In the name of Queen Selenay of Valdemar, I ask you again. Are you a mage?:_

I looked over her shoulder at the girl by the door. Her brown face was ashen. Her left hand was on the door handle. Irrelevantly, I noticed that her clothes were a child-size version of the guards’ uniforms, down to the short sword on her belt.

The woman stood up, snapping my attention back to her. _:If you will not answer, I will put you under Truth Spell.:_

I didn’t like the sound of that at all. “Yes,” I said, “I am a mage.” Now was probably not the time to discuss proper nomenclature.

The woman sat down, looking somewhat placated. _:Why do you wish to enter Valdemar?:_ she asked.

“I am looking for my brother,” I said. I had tried to think of a plausible lie on the way to the border with no luck. Since I knew nothing about Valdemar except that they had magical ghost horses, the edited truth was much safer.

The woman blinked. I realized then that she had not told me her name nor asked for mine. Of course, my name was on my Corambin papers but I didn’t think anyone here could read them.

She stared at me for a moment. Then she turned her attention back to the pile of slates on the little table. When she finally found the one she wanted, she read it through at least twice.

At last, she looked up at me. Her eyes were assessing. I tried to look as non-threatening as possible.

The woman spoke a command that I didn’t understand. The little girl stood to attention. The woman in white stood, gathered up all her slates into an untidy bundle, and took two steps left so she was leaning against the wall. I heard the door opening.

A deluge of icy water hit me in the face at the same time as I was attacked magically. I choked on the water that poured up my nose and down my throat. Hands grabbed my arms as I tried to stand up. They held me down. For a split second, I felt like I was drowning, like I was a child again, being held down in the unforgiving Sim. Then the water was spent and I was left dripping wet and shaking with rage. My magic was cut off from me, as neatly as if I was standing in the Nullity in Esmer. I caught a glimpse of a purple trailing sleeve just before the door closed again.

I took a deep breath and coughed the last of the water out of my lungs. The guards on either side of me had known the double attack of water and magic was coming and had tied my wrists to the arms of my chair. Hair was plastered across my face. I blinked hard to clear the water from my eyes.

The woman in white was calmly standing in front of me, her hands empty. The little girl was gone as well. The woman smiled thinly at me.

 _:Let’s get started,:_ she said.

 “Started?” I repeated, still half-choking. I struggled against my bonds and both guards responded by holding me still. I soon saw why.

The woman in front of me had closed her eyes. She held her hands over me, like a priest giving a blessing. After a few seconds, I saw a flash of blue out of the corner of my good eye. It moved too fast for me to see what it was. Then I saw four pairs of tiny translucent eyes opening out of nothing in the air. I shuddered and the guards’ grips tightened. More and more little blue eyes opened until I could barely see the woman in white through the cloud of them. Then, as suddenly as they arrived, the eyes in the air flew at my face. I shut my eyes but I could feel them slipping through my skin. I screamed.

 _:So afraid of the truth,:_ the woman scoffed. _:Are you a magic-user?:_

“Yes.” My own voice sounded like a stranger’s, raspy as it was. I opened my eyes. The cloud of blue eyes was gone and the woman had seated herself in front of me once more.

The woman blinked at me. _:What did you say?:_

“Yes,” I repeated. I was under a compulsion to answer, that much was obvious.

 _:Which language is that?:_ she asked.

“Marathine,” I said.

She looked baffled. I smiled.

“Hard to interrogate someone you can’t understand?” I asked.

 _:Speak Valdemarean!:_ she demanded.

“I can’t,” I said. I’d never been so happy to be terrible with languages.

The woman sighed out loud. _:Nod or shake your head to answer, then. Are you a magic-user?:_

“Yes,” I said, not moving my head at all.

She threw up her hands in disgust. _:I don’t believe this.:_

I was enjoying this stalemate much more than was probably wise. I had to bite my tongue to keep myself from making the situation worse.

 _:In absence of confirmation of Companion Jaysen’s report, I am placing you in the custody of the Valdemarean Guard, until such time as a translator can be found to take your statement.:_ She sounds supremely grumpy about it, which was my only comfort, as she spoke to the guards and they untied me from the chair.

I would soon have a lot of time to wonder where they would find a Marathine-Valdemarean translator.


	14. Empathy

Mildmay

As soon as Talia left, the male healer came back. He had a flask of sleepy potion in his hand. He glared at me twice as hard as before.

“What are you doing? Get back in bed!” He rushed forward and I instinctively moved back, pulling my leg back onto the bed with my hands since it didn’t want to bend on its own.

The healer’s eyebrows went up in surprise. “You can understand me? You couldn’t before.”

I didn’t say nothing, just looked at him.

His eyebrows came down again. “Or were you just faking before? That’s gratitude for you! We go through all the trouble to heal you, and for what? There is no way they’ll be able to make _you_ into a real Herald. I knew you were scum as soon as I saw you. You’re nothing but an ungrateful waste of space.”

I let him keep talking. I’d heard worse from Keeper every time I’d been sick as a kid. Even after we started fucking, she’d still go on and on about what an inconvenience it was when I came down with the Winter Fever every year.

Finally, he wound down and remembered the flask he carried. “Drink this,” he said, pushing it into my hands, “Hyacinth’s orders. Though I don’t see the point in making you comfortable, at least this will keep you in bed and out of trouble.”

I didn’t drink it. They’d given me stuff to make me sleep before. It’d fucked with my already fucked up fever dreams, making them realer and worse. Besides, I wanted to be by myself for a while and think.

The healer crossed his arms and waited. After a septad-minute, he said, “If you won’t drink it by yourself, I’ll have to make you.”

That didn’t scare me, though I think he meant it to. What _did_ scare me was how hard I was having to hold onto my temper. I’d already done some dumb things today and I didn’t want to add to the pile. I held out the flask to him and said, “No.” I said it in Valdemarean too, so he’d get it.

He laughed. “Oh, so you _can_ talk then?” he asked.

The mocking in his voice was too fucking close to what I’d been hearing in my dreams. I shook my head, trying to get the echo out. Worked about as well as you’d think.

The healer backed up a step. “What are you doing? Herald!” His voice was shrill with panic.

I looked up, confused.

Talia ran into the room almost before he’d finished calling for her. “Mildmay, what’s going on?” She sounded calm but her face was paler than before.

“Nothing,” I said.

The healer stumbled through the door and away.

Talia’s eyes locked on the flask, still in my hand. “Did you take the medicine?”

“No,” I said.

She held out her hands. I gave her the flask which she set on the floor. “I thought this could wait until you’d rested but… Let’s talk just a little more.” She settled into the chair again.

I didn’t know why she had changed her mind. As soon as she sat down, I could tell she was doing something magical. I braced for another compulsion but it never came. Instead, Talia started talking.

“I remember when I was Chosen. It was all so confusing. No one on the way would tell me anything, except that I had to go to Haven.” She laughed a little. “I honestly thought I was supposed to return Rolan to the stables, like a lost sheep!”

She smiled at me. “I want to make all this easier for you, Mildmay. I want to help you. Will you let me?”

I met her eyes. “I want to find my brother.” I said it as clear as I could.

Her smile faded. “There is something difficult that I have to tell you,” she said.

My blood froze. “Is he okay?” I blurted.

“Your brother… he isn’t who you think he is.” She paused. “He cast spells on you.”

Fuck me sideways, I damn well knew _that_ already. We’d lived with the obligation d’âme for almost 3 years. I said, “I asked him to.” That hadn’t convinced the Corambins and by the look on her face, it didn’t change anything to Talia either.

“No,” she said. “You couldn’t have asked for this. I can see the… the damage in your mind.”

Damage. Powers and drunken saints. “That wasn’t Felix,” I said, feeling sick, “That was Strych.”

Talia’s eyebrows came together and she frowned.

I took a deep breath. “He was Felix’s teacher. He was a blood mage.” I used the Valdemarean words for ‘blood mage’ so she would be sure to know what I meant.

Talia blinked at me but didn’t say anything.

I kept going. “He went by a lot of names. He was really old. Anyway, he was Felix’s teacher and hurt him a lot, for years. Then they went to the Mirador and Felix got away from him, except he hadn’t really, and Strych used Felix’s magic to break the Virtu. So Strych ran off and left him there holding the bag.”

I watched my hands clenching into fists around the blankets. “Felix was hurt in his mind from what he did and we ended up going to Troia to fix it. Then we came back and Felix fixed the Virtu. And then Strych came back and tried to trap Felix but caught me instead.”

I was holding on so tight my knuckles were white. “He hurt me until he got bored. I was just bait.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Talia flinch. I looked up at her and she motioned for me to keep going. I let go of the blankets.

“That’s it, mostly. Felix came to find me and he killed Strych.” I paused and then said, because it was true, “Felix would rather die than be like him.”

Talia let out a long breath, like she’d been holding it since I started talking. I hadn’t meant to tell her that much, and it wasn’t even half of what there was to tell, but she was easy to talk to and I wanted her to _understand_. It was dumb to care what she thought. I’d be out of here as soon as I could.

“Well,” she said. She stood up. At first, I thought she was going to leave the room but instead, she started walking around.

I watched Talia pace back and forth at the end of the bed. She swung her arms as she walked. I wondered if she was going to take the throwing knives out of her sleeves.

After a few minutes, Talia said, “I had a similar experience once.” She kept her eyes on the ground. “We were captured by blood mages while on a diplomatic mission. They killed my partner, tortured me for information. They wanted to use our disappearance to lure the royal party in. But I got a message out. I told them that Kris was dead and not to try to save me.” She rubbed her face. “My friends did save me. And then we were at war with Hardorn.”

What the fuck could I say to that? “Where’s Hardorn?” I asked, stupidly.

Talia shook herself and looked over at me. “It’s on Valdemar’s eastern border. We both have a southern border with Karse.” She came back to the chair and sat down again.

Karse had been on my old map, barely. I’d heard that it wasn’t a good country to be a stranger in, though a few of the innkeepers in Ruven had told me the new Son of the Sun was shaking things up.

“Mildmay, do they have healers where you’re from? In, uh, Mélusine?” Talia asked. She stumbled over the name.

“Not magic ones,” I said. Not _legal_ magic ones anyway.

She nodded. “The healers in Valdemar all take oaths not to hurt their patients more than they have to.”

I nodded back. Made sense.

“I’ve taken those oaths as well. I’m a MindHealer, as well as a Herald,” she said.

I stared at her. “No,” I said.

“I could help you,” she said, “I could-”

“ _No_.” I didn’t want anybody in my head but me. If I couldn’t have that because Jaysen was already there—and I knew he was there, for all he wasn’t talking to me right then—I definitely didn’t want some lady I’d just met trying to fix me from the inside.

Talia sighed. “Fine, if that’s your decision. You can change your mind later if you want.”

When I didn’t say anything, she went on. “I’ve put up a shield around you until there’s time to teach you to make your own. I’m not sure how strong your Gift is but you definitely have Projective Empathy. And if your Companion can talk to you, you must have at least a little MindSpeech.”

“I ain’t a hocus,” I said, my mind racing.

Talia looked at me blankly.

“I don’t have magic,” I said, remembering to speak Trade Common this time.

“No, I don’t think you do,” she agreed, “But Gifts are different. You can have them without having regular magic. Or have both.”

It clicked then, the way that healer had acted. Had he felt what I had been feeling? Had I pushed those feelings onto him without knowing? My gut twisted, thinking about it. If it was true.

“We’ll talk more about it after you’ve rested,” Talia said, gently.

I had about a hundred questions for her. I held them back and nodded.

She started to say something else, and then stopped. “Drink the medicine,” she said, at last, standing up.

I nodded again and she left the room. I poured the medicine into the chamber pot that lived under the bed.

My leg hurt a lot. Riding for at least four days, lying in bed for Kethe knew for how long, then all the walking and running and falling I’d done in the last day or so. That medicine probably would have helped. But the healer who’d made it had been angry. Oaths or not, I didn’t want to take anything that he’d given me.

Besides, the pain was distracting me from the fucking _horrifying_ idea that I could have ‘Gifts’. I hoped Talia was wrong.

I hoped Felix was okay. Maybe he was still with the caravan. They could keep him out of danger if he let them.

I rolled over in bed, trying to get comfortable. Jaysen had said Felix’d been scrying to try to find me. I had to get away and go find _him_. Before he got himself in real trouble.

***

Once I’d finally gotten to sleep, it’d actually been really restful. Probably the first good sleep I’d had since Seejay, with no dreams at all.

A different Healer than before came in soon after I’d woken up with a tray of food. I couldn’t tell if it was evening or the next morning without windows. The food was soup and bread. He stayed to watch me eat it, which pissed me off. I don’t like having an audience.

After I’d had most of the bread and nearly all the soup, the Healer said, “We put the sleeping potion in your food this time. Since you can’t be trusted to take it on your own.”

I glared at him but my eyes were already half-closed.

“We’ll take another look at your leg while you’re asleep too,” the Healer went on, as I fell backward into darkness. “So it will probably feel better when you wake up in the morning.”

***

When I woke up again, Talia was there. She smiled at me but it was more strained than before.

“Good morning,” she said.

“Good morning,” I said, trying to match her Valdemarean.

Her smile got bigger. “You’re a fast learner, I see.”

I sat up and shrugged. It was just repeating what she’d said like a trained bird, nothing to get excited about.

“How is your leg? Are you up to a little walk?” she asked.

Depended on where we were going. I pushed back the blanket. My leg moved better than yesterday, though my cramped muscles and bruises made themselves heard. When I set my feet carefully on the floor, they didn’t hurt at all.

Not thinking, I reached for Jashuki, but of course, my cane wasn’t here. It was back in that stable in Delton.

Talia offered me her hand. “Here, I’ll help you,” she said.

I made myself take it. I stood up, almost all my weight on my good leg, only using Talia for balance. When I didn’t fall right away, I let out my breath and said, “Thanks.”

She took my elbow, hooked my arm through hers, and said, “We’ll go slowly.”

I leaned on her as little as I could on the way. We went outside. The morning sun felt good on my face. I could hear birds in the nearby trees. I was a bit groggy from the sleeping drugs, so we’d crossed the courtyard before I figured out where we were going. Then the grogginess melted away.

Jaysen was standing in a fenced-in pasture near the stables. Rolan was at the opposite end, facing away from him. Jaysen’s head came up as we went closer and his ears swivelled forward.

When we’d reached the pasture fence, Talia said, “From what you told me yesterday, it’s clear that there was some kind of misunderstanding on the part of your Companion. You need to talk to him.”

I got a good grip on the worn boards before she stepped away. “I’m going to go see Rolan. I will come back later,” she said and left.

Jaysen walked over to me. He kept out of arm’s-reach. Good choice.

_:Chosen…:_ he said and trailed off.

I waited. I was so fucking angry that I was shaking from holding myself back.

_:Mildmay. I’m so sorry for hurting you.:_

“You’re sorry?” I said. “You don’t even know what you did.” It was all I could do to keep my voice steady. “I’m the one who keeps him safe and _you took me away_.”

Jaysen ducked his head, like a human dodging a blow.

“Felix is out there, all alone. He can’t take care of himself! And he probably thinks the whole thing is his fault.” I took a deep breath. “Because of what happened before. You heard me tell Talia?”

_:Yes,:_ Jaysen said.

“Okay.” I was glad not to have to tell it again. Though not glad it was because he was reading my thoughts. “I’m gonna go find him.” As soon as I found some clothes and a stick to lean on.

_:I… can I help you?:_ He felt really hesitant.

“You want to?” I asked.

_:I want to be with you and I can see that you’re determined to go.:_

“I’ve been ‘determined to go’ all along,” I said.

_:I thought you were under spells and deceived about your brother’s true actions towards you. When you told Talia some of your history, I could untangle the truth.:_ Jaysen paused. _:I acted rashly because I thought you were in danger. Please let me help undo that.:_

“I don’t trust you,” I said, because he was acting like I should.

_:Then I shall endeavour to earn your trust,:_ he said.


	15. Truce

Mildmay

 

Jaysen kept talking. _:I will speak to Rolan about leaving. If he and Talia come with us, it will make the journey much smoother.:_ He glanced over at Rolan and Talia before turning back to me. _:However, he’s not… happy with me right now so I do not want to interrupt him.:_

“I need a map,” I said. An official one, if I could get it. I didn’t want to travel blind again.

 _:I am almost certain Talia has one,:_ Jaysen says. _:An official map is always handy.:_

“And I need you to stop reading my fucking thoughts,” I said.

Jaysen ducked his head again and I felt a wave of shame coming from him. _:My apologies. I’ll try but it is hard not to hear them when I’m translating. And I don’t know Marathine so I need to do it when we talk like this as well.:_

I sighed. I shouldn’t be counting on his translations in the first place. But I had to take every bit of information I could.

 _:You could try MindSpeaking with me?:_ Jaysen said, like it was a question.

“I ain’t a hocus,” I told him. I wouldn’t know how to start talking in other people’s heads and I didn’t want to learn.

 _:I can tell that is important to you,:_ Jaysen said, _:But you could speak to me mind-to-mind if you tried. And I’m no expert, but I’d say that Talia is right about your Empathic Gift as well.:_

“I’m annemer,” I said. “I don’t have magic powers. That’s Felix’s thing.” He’d be laughing his ass off at this whole situation too. Me holding one-sided conversations instead of him. This magic white horse was no stand-in for Gideon, that was for sure. But Felix always forgot not to say things out loud when he was angry and that suited me down to the ground right now.

My leg was starting to hurt again. The anger was fooling me, making me think that I was stronger than I really was. On my own, I wouldn’t make it five miles without having to lie down for a few days.

 _:Healing uses some of your strength as well as the strength of the Healer,:_ Jaysen said. _:You should go lie down some more.:_

I glared at him. He went all slouched, like he was trying to make himself smaller.

 _:Sorry,:_ he said. _:Just a suggestion.:_

Talia chose that moment to come over. “How’s it going? Any progress?”

“Ask him,” I said.

Talia grimaced a little. “I can’t. Besides, Heralds do not MindSpeak with Companions not their own, unless it is a true emergency.”

“You can’t?” I asked.

“I don’t have any MindSpeech,” she said. “My strongest Gift is Empathy so that’s how Rolan and I communicate.”

I stared at her. “Oh,” I said. Had she used it on me?

Talia smiled at me. “Shall we go back to your room? You’ll need to rest up to be able to ride to Haven.”

“I’m not going to Haven,” I said.

Her smile slipped. “What?”

“I’m not going to Haven,” I repeated.

She shook her head. “No, I mean: why not?”

“I have to find Felix,” I said. “Jaysen’s going to help,” I added, just to see what she’d say.

“You can send him a message,” Talia said. “Mildmay, you need to be in Haven as soon as possible.”

“Why?”

“To start your training. Your Gifts are already active which means every day you stay untrained, you are a danger to yourself and the people around you.” She sounded like she believed it.

I didn’t tell her I’ve been a danger to the people around me for ten years. “No. I can’t leave him by himself.”

“He’ll be fine,” Talia said.

I almost laughed. “No,” I said again. “The last time he was on his own… bad shit happened.” And I was only sick that time, not kidnapped.

Talia looked at me without saying anything. I didn’t move.

 _:Rolan says Felix is at the border,:_ Jaysen said.

I turned so fast my leg protested. “Is he okay?” I asked, half-choking trying to get the words out.

_:They think it’s him anyway. There’s no translator and the Heralds can’t read his papers but the mage they have looks like him.:_

“Is he okay?” I asked again. He hadn’t answered me.

“What happened?” Talia asked.

 _:He’ll be safe with us. The border Heralds won’t hurt him,:_ Jaysen said. He didn’t sound completely convinced.

“But they think he’s a blood mage,” I said. “Because you thought he was. And they think Companions can’t make mistakes.”

I could feel Jaysen’s discomfort but he said, _:Yes.:_

“Mildmay, please tell me what is going on,” Talia said, very calmly.

“Tell them he isn’t,” I said.

_:I can’t reach that far.:_

“Fuck, get Rolan to do it then!” I yelled. A wave of hesitation came from Jaysen. “They’re going to hurt him if you don’t! They probably already have.” We were outside where there should be plenty of air but my chest hurt like I was trapped in a cave.

 _:They haven’t,:_ Jaysen said, trying to be soothing but mostly just sounding like he was lying.

“Mildmay!”

I turned around without realizing I’d decided to. Some training you never lose, even when it feels like your heart is going to explode. 

Talia had her hands out, palms open so I could see she wasn’t holding a weapon. “Breathe slowly,” she said. “It’ll help.” Her face went blank like she was concentrating.

I took a deep breath. Calm flowed over me like warm bathwater. It was coming from Talia because it sure as hell wasn’t coming from me. I tried not to fight it. There was nothing I could do from here, except bully Jaysen more, and I couldn’t see the point in that.

My right arm was twisted behind me so I could hold onto the fence. It was starting to hurt.

“Felix is at the border,” I told Talia in Trade Common, when she was back to looking at me like she saw me.

“Oh,” she said, like that wasn’t what she’d expected.

“I have to go there,” I said.

“Someone needs to teach you how to shield yourself,” she said. “And soon.”

Pushing down what I wanted to tell her to do with her fucking shields, I said, “Jaysen says they think Felix is a blood mage.”

“ _Oh_ ,” Talia said. “Well, that… your reaction makes more sense.” She looked relieved.

 _:Rolan is talking to the border Companions right now,:_ Jaysen reported. _:He is cross with me for telling you that Felix is there. Well, more cross than he already was, which I didn’t think was possible.:_

I took another deep breath. I didn’t think Rolan would talk directly to me on purpose, from what Talia had said. Maybe it would be harder for Jaysen to lie to me, now that I could feel his feelings, but maybe not. No way of knowing.

Talia smiled at me. “He’s talking to you, isn’t he? Lots of people think that Heralds are daydreamers because we tend to pause at strange times in the conversation.”

I didn’t know what to say to that. I turned around to get a better grip on the fence. Talia’s Empathy power was no joke. Whenever I started feeling my own feelings again, instead of these false calm ones, I knew I was going to be mad about her shutting me down. There was so much shit I was going to be mad about that this would have to wait in line.

But the fake calm did one thing right: my head started working again.

“You can teach me,” I told Talia.

She looked blank.

“How to shield and not be ‘a danger’.” I used her Valdemarean words again and I could feel Jaysen being all smug about it behind me, like a kid whose dog does a trick in front of company.

Talia understood me but she didn’t like it. “Even if I agree, you are not well enough to travel to the border.”

I shrugged, which is tricky to do while holding on to a fence for dear life. “I was sicker than this when I got here.”

Without anger holding me up, I was starting to sag. Talia offered me her arm. “We should get you back to bed,” she said.

“I’m going to get Felix,” I said, just in case it would make sense to her this time.

“Not today,” she replied.

Since I’d fall if I didn’t, I took her arm. As we walked away, slow as two turtles, Jaysen said, _:I_ will _make it up to you. I promise.:_

I didn’t have to tell him out loud that I didn’t believe him.

 

***

 

_:Mildmay. Wake up.:_

Jaysen was talking to me. I was annoyed before I was even awake. “What?” I muttered, before I remembered he wouldn’t be able to hear me.

_:Come outside. The Healer who is supposed to be guarding you fell asleep.:_

I didn’t want to talk to him. I was dead tired. They’d Healed me in the afternoon and this time, I’d been awake for it. According to them, my lungs were basically done being sick for the moment and ready to start being lungs again. My leg was not a reason for celebration. There had been an argument about how it should be treated. Talia hadn’t been there so my opinions about it had been ignored completely. It was almost like being in fucking Troia again.

 _:I have a surprise for you,:_ Jaysen said. He felt anxious and kind of excited and some more stuff in a jumble.

I don’t like surprises. But now I wanted to know what it was. “Fuck,” I said, and got up.

It wasn’t hard to sneak out of the house, even with my leg doing its best impression of a block of wood. The Healers had put some kind of weird brace-thing on it so I couldn’t bend that knee hardly at all. At least it would be harder for it to give out on me now.

Jaysen was waiting in the yard. Must’ve magicked his way out of the stable. Did they put Companions in stalls for the night?

I stopped a few paces away. “Well?” I asked.

 _:The surprise is in the stable,:_ Jaysen said. _:I… do you need help?:_

“I’ll go on my own,” I said.

He led the way and I hobbled along after. The stable wasn’t much to look at. Three or four stalls, with only us and a curious donkey in the place.

Jaysen tossed his head at the biggest stall. _:In there.:_

I put my head through the doorway without turning my back on Jaysen all the way. There were little piles of stuff on the floor. Blankets? I leaned forward, holding onto the doorframe. There _was_ a blanket. And clothes. And something else. I bent over, carefully shifting my grip, and picked up a heavy staff. When I tested it, it took my weight as easily as Jashuki ever had.

 _:Will it work?:_ Jaysen asked, anxious. _:I tried to find a good one.:_

“How?” I asked.

 _:Oh, lying around. You know,:_ Jaysen said. He felt smug.

I did know. He’d stolen all this stuff for me?

 _:You can go on your own,:_ Jaysen said. _:I won’t stop you. But it’ll be faster if we go together.:_

“What about Talia and Rolan?” I asked.

_:They left in the afternoon to go to a Waystation. They’re meeting a Herald-courier to get news and reports from Haven. The realm doesn’t stop just because the Queen’s Own leaves the capital.:_

“When are they coming back?”

_:Tomorrow midday at the earliest.:_

I wouldn’t get far on my own by then. “How far is the border?”

_:Two days to the start of the Comb, by Companion. The Comb itself will take another half day if the weather is good.:_

“What do you get out of it?” I asked. He’d know I was thinking that. There was no point trying to pretend.

 _:It’s the right thing to do,:_ Jaysen said. _:And I want to be with you.:_

This was a bad idea. Did I have a choice? Felix was in trouble. “Okay,” I said. I’ve done stupider things than this.

Jaysen was so excited he was practically prancing. His hoofs made music on the wood of the stable floor.

“Stop that,” I said. He stopped. “Here’s my conditions if we’re gonna do this. No compulsions. No lying. You tell the border guards Felix ain’t a blood wizard and help me get him out. That sound okay?”

 _:Your terms are acceptable_ ,: Jaysen said, all formal.

“Okay,” I said, and started looking around for his tack.


	16. Rescue

Mildmay

 

Riding Jaysen was like a dream. I hadn’t expected that. Without the compulsion, we moved together. Like flying through the night.

I’ve never been a fancy rider. Not much call for it in Mélusine, not in the Lower City anyway. As a kid, I learned how to drive a wagon from Niko and he taught me to ride too. He’d said it was as dumb as learning to sail and not knowing how to swim otherwise. We’d been out in the middle of nowhere waiting for smugglers to show up, so it wasn’t like we hadn’t had the time.

I left the reins alone. Jaysen knew where we were going. He’d keep his word or he wouldn’t.

 _:I’ll prove myself to you,:_ Jaysen said.

His eagerness made me tired. I didn’t answer.

It didn’t take more than a few hours to get to the Herald waystation. _:The waystations are mostly spaced between the towns so they are at about the halfway point,:_ Jaysen said, though I hadn't asked. _:That way, Heralds can be certain of a place to stay that isn’t too far, even if the town or village doesn’t have an inn.:_

 _That_ opened up more questions than it answered. I dismounted and looked around. There was a house-shape in the darkness beside where Jaysen had stopped. I went over to the door, feeling my way with the staff.

The door wasn’t locked, only held closed by a latch. I pushed it open and stared into the darkness until I realized I was waiting for Felix’s little green witchlights to appear. After fumbling around, I found a lamp and tinderbox.

I carried the lit lamp out to Jaysen. By its light, I unloaded the bundle of clothes and blanket, and took his tack off. It seemed strange that he couldn’t do it himself.

 _:Go to bed,:_ Jaysen said, _:The rest can wait until morning.:_

I hung his tack in the stable that shared a roof with the house and left him in there. The warm night air smelled like trees. I went into the house and collapsed onto the musty pallet, asleep almost before I’d blown out the lamp.

***

Talia and Rolan caught up with us midafternoon the next day.

We’d left the first waystation an hour or so after dawn. Jaysen told me where to find the food and I’d brushed him down before putting his tack back on. I wasn’t really awake until we were back on the road. Jaysen kept trying to start conversations, his eagerness and anxiety pushing at me as much as the words. I didn’t have much to say.

Rolan came pounding up the road behind us, somehow faster than Jaysen had been going. He forced Jaysen to stop by stopping in front of us. Talia was pissed. I couldn’t feel any anger coming from her but her face gave it away.

“How could you be so foolish?” she asked me, glaring. “Not only are you risking your own life by being out here without shields, you are risking the health of everyone you meet!”

I could feel Jaysen’s feelings, all defiance and helpless discomfort. Rolan was probably yelling at him again. I waited.

Talia leaned closer and spoke more softly. “You need training, Mildmay. And you need it as soon as possible. You’ll hurt yourself without it.”

“I don’t care,” I said. “I’m going to go get Felix.”

She sighed, probably as sick of hearing that as I was of saying it. “And if I try to stop you?”

“I won’t stop,” I said.

Talia must have felt how much I meant it because she didn't argue. She rubbed her hand down her face. “This is ridiculous,” she muttered. Then, louder, she said, “If you insist. I will come with you to the border and we’ll get this straightened out. But you have to learn how to shield _and_ try MindSpeaking on the way.”

I hadn’t expected her to agree that fast. “Okay,” I managed.

She half-smiled. “We might have been stuck with each other anyway. Empathy is not a very common Gift.” She sighed. “I suppose the realm will manage if I continue working by Herald-courier. The queen is not going to be thrilled by the delay.”

Rolan turned and walked away so he wasn’t blocking Jaysen anymore. As we started moving again, I remembered what Jaysen had called Talia: Queen’s Own. What did that mean?

 _:She’s the third most powerful person in Valdemar, after the queen and consort,:_ Jaysen said.

Oh. Fuck. Still, nothing I could do now that I’d made her mad.

***

When we were settled into the waystation that night, Talia told me we were going to have my first lesson in shielding. “It's the foundation for all Gifts but it's especially important for Empathy and MindSpeech,” she said.

We sat facing each other on our blankets. The waystation had a box bed with a straw mattress but neither of us had claimed it.

“Close your eyes. Make your mind empty and still,” Talia said, “Try not to think of anything in particular. Be present inside your skin.”

I closed my eyes. There was no way I was going to learn this. Instead of trying, I thought of the story about the sealskin girl and the village girl who loved her. I pictured the words of the story: how they would look if I wrote them down, how I'd make them sound if I was telling the story to Talia. I pictured the moonlight on the ocean and the way it smelled and how the laughter of the two girls would echo off the cliffs.

“Now, find the place inside you that's the most stable. Once you find it, reach out for a similar feeling place in the earth itself and connect to it.”

I'd just gotten to the part of the story where the jealous village boy steals the sealskin when Jaysen interrupted me.

_:Are you trying to MindSpeak with me? Rolan said Talia was going to work on your grounding first.:_

I ignored him and went on with the story.

“Try again,” Talia said. “It may take a while for you to get the hang of it.”

 _:It's like you're humming at me,:_ Jaysen complained. _:What are you doing?:_

“Okay, that's enough for now,” Talia said. “We've had a long day. Don't be discouraged.”

I nodded. She turned away to fiddle with the kettle on the little fire.

Jaysen sighed in my head. _:If humming makes you happy, don't let me stop you.:_

I wasn't _happy_ but it was nice to be uncooperative without consequences. Made me feel less like a wind-up toy.

 

Felix

 

The holding cells at the Valdemar-Rethwellan border were surprisingly cosy. My personal experience of prisons was limited to the Verpine. My cell now was comfort itself in comparison.

I had light, blankets, a barred window I could put my hand through, a waste bucket, and three edible meals every day. My magic remained closed off from me. I did not struggle very hard to regain access to it. I had other things on my mind.

It was obvious that escape would get me nowhere. Without supplies, travel in the high mountains of the Comb would be a horrific and definitely fatal experience. Fleeing back into Rethwallen was nonsensical; the nearest village was at least two days walk away and I would be hopelessly lost even trying to find that.

No, my only option for the moment was to stay here and wait for something to happen. I was a coward to think it but it was a relief to run out of plans of action.

As my captivity went on, with no end in sight, I settled into a blank numbness. I received no visitors, except for guards bringing food and taking waste.

On my fourth day in the holding cell, just after they'd brought the midday meal, I heard footsteps coming down the hall. They stopped outside my door. I stood up, leaving the meal half-eaten. The door opened and Mildmay was standing in the doorway.

Our eyes met. For a moment, I couldn't breathe.

“Are you okay?” he asked me, stepping forward, “Did they hurt you?” He looked worried, which was reassuringly familiar. I’d been having nightmares about the way he'd looked in the Bastion.

“I’m fine,” I said automatically. “You?”

He nodded. He glanced around the room. It seemed to meet with his approval and a little tension went out of his shoulders. Mildmay was thinner than before the kidnapping. He was dressed in what I could only assume was the standard Valdemarean peasant costume: a baggy tunic and trousers, dyed conflicting shades of faded brown. He had a sturdy staff in one hand and there was some kind of wooden contraption around his bad leg, from just above the knee to the ankle.

“Mildmay,” someone behind him said.

He turned. I hadn't noticed the woman before. She wore white, like my interrogator, but it suited her a little better. I did not take her presence as a positive sign.

Mildmay turned back to me. “So, are you rescuing me or are we out of favour together?” I asked, going for light-hearted.

He shrugged. “Not sure. I’m not leaving you so they’ll have to figure out what they want.”

“Well, _that’s_ illuminating,” I said.

Mildmay didn’t respond, just maneuvered himself so he was standing on my right side and a little behind me. I knew what that meant: Mildmay thought I needed guarding. He probably was not wrong.

Having him there with me was almost overwhelmingly comforting. It was distracting me from the danger of our situation. I smiled brightly at the woman in the doorway. “Good afternoon,” I said, nodding to her in an exaggeration of courtly manners. She inclined her head slightly in response.

She said something and Mildmay responded in Trade Common. “No,” was all he said, but I could sense him tensing up. A fight, then. My smile widened.

The woman said something else, insistent. Mildmay didn't answer.

“What does she want?” I asked.

“They want to ask you questions.”

“One of them already tried.” I regretted saying it as soon as it left my mouth. Mildmay stepped in front of me, scanning my face. “They couldn't understand me so it was a short interview,” I said, casually. It was even true.

Mildmay studied me for another moment, then turned, leaning on his staff. He said something that I couldn't decipher. The woman looked shocked. She made some kind of denial.

“Did they torture you?” Mildmay asked me, labouriously turning around again. The wooden cage on his leg seemed to be limiting his mobility. I wondered if his bad leg had been re-injured on the journey to Valdemar.

“Of course not,” I said. “As you can see, I am an honoured guest.” I gestured around the cell.

Mildmay just looked at me, waiting.

I smiled at him. “I see you've picked up another new language. Is it Valdemaran? That was a quick study.”

He sighed. “It's Valdemaran but I don't really know it. It's complicated.” Before I could ask for more details, four guards came into the cell. They moved to take my arms. Mildmay glared at them and said, “Fuck off.” He gestured with his staff.

The woman called out something and the guards stopped reaching for me. They stood awkwardly around Mildmay and I. It was a stand off.

“Shall we go?” I asked, breaking the tense silence. “I could do with a change of scenery.”


	17. Ghost-Horses

Felix

It was not a long walk; our destination was only a few rooms away. We followed the foremost guards into a room that looked like a larger version of the interrogation room from my arrival. The wall hanging with the white horse on a blue background was prominently displayed at the far end of the room. This time, I noticed that the horse had broken chains around its feet.

There were a dozen or so chairs set up with their backs to the door. A single chair faced them. It had restraining straps attached to its arms and legs.

I stumbled a little when I saw that detail and the guard behind me nearly stepped on my heels. Mildmay glared at him.

We continued over to the prisoner's chair. Despite my calm demeanor, my breathing was a little ragged. The guard in front of us met my eyes and gestured to the chair.

Mildmay stepped in front of me and sat down in the prisoner's chair, his face perfectly blank.

“Mildmay!” I hissed. “What are you doing?”

He ignored me. Instead, he stared challengingly at the two women in white who were just entering the room. The one who had accompanied him to my cell frowned.

The guards stood around us awkwardly. Apparently, they were unsure of what to do next. They were not alone in their uncertainty.

: _Who are you?_ : my former interrogator asked. : _Stand up at once!_ : Her mental voice was full of anger.

“No,” Mildmay said, his face blank like only he could make it.

The other woman said something. The interrogator bowed her head and responded aloud.

“Talia says no mind talk so we can all hear. The other one says sorry,” Mildmay said in Marathine.

“Talia is the one who came with you?” I asked.

“Yeah. She outranks the other one. Damina.”

Talia spoke to Mildmay, lowering her voice a little at the end of her statement. Mildmay shook his head, stubborn. Damina huffed impatiently and said something else. Talia spoke soothingly to both of them.

“Now what?” I asked, in a lull while they waited for Mildmay to answer them.

“Same fucking thing,” Mildmay said. “They want me to get up so they can ask you shit and get me to translate.”

“I don't need to cross the border now. They could just let us go back into Rethwellan,” I said, without any conviction.

“Don't hold your breath,” Mildmay muttered.

The women in white waited expectantly. When a few moments had passed and Mildmay hadn't translated our conversation for them, Damina spoke sharply to us until Talia interrupted her. Mildmay listened stoically.

When Talia had finished, Mildmay said, “Damina says torture. Talia says no. Jaysen says he doesn't think the Truth Spell will help.”

“Who is Jaysen?” I asked. Only the two women before us had spoken.

“Fuck me sideways till I cry,” Mildmay sighed. “It's already fucking happening.”

I stared at him. “ _What_ is happening?”

Mildmay turned to look at me for the first time since he'd sat down in the chair. He looked tense enough to snap. “Let me try something,” he said. He switched to Trade Common and said, “I want Felix to meet Jaysen.”

Talia looked surprised. Damina asked a question. Talia answered.

I waited, not letting myself fidget. I was growing very weary of not comprehending half of what was going on.

Talia asked Mildmay a question. He nodded. Damina looked like she wanted to protest. Instead, she grumpily waved at the guards and gave them a command.

“Here we go,” Mildmay said. He stood up slowly. We walked side by side out of the interrogation room.

***

Our little procession exited the building after a march through the various hallways. We collected a few curiousity seekers, mainly off-duty guards and children. I could hear the whispers and was glad not to understand them. My clothing had not fared well in the prison.

I blinked in the mild sunlight. Before us stretched a fenced field, green and dotted with wildflowers. I could see several horses grazing there. No humans were in sight but our party.

Two of the horses were coming toward us.

I glanced at Mildmay. He was glaring at the field as if it had personally insulted him.

“Is there any possibility,” I asked, as casually as I could with my heart pounding in my ears, “that Jaysen is the magical white horse who kidnapped you?”

Mildmay bumped my arm with his shoulder. It was the first time we'd touched since reuniting. “Yeah, that's him.” He pointed to one of the horses. They looked basically identical at this distance.

“Does he speak in your mind often?”

Mildmay nodded. “He translates Valdemaran for me.” He paused. “It's weird.”

I understood. Mildmay hated having magic worked on him.

I wanted to ask him more questions but I was distracted by the horses getting closer. There was something strange about them. I had expected to see more magic around them. They only shimmered a little.

I closed my eyes and thought of the moon at half. Light and dark, clairant and noirant, balanced together. I opened my eyes.

Light blazed before me. Columns of white fire roared up where the horses had been. One of them was dimmer than the other and flickered blue at its edges. I could see tendrils reaching out from them. One came toward me. I flinched backward.

“Felix?”

There were shapes in the fire that wavered like reflections. It was easier to see into the dimmer flame. A transparent human shape at its heart. As I watched, the shape solidified a little. For just a moment, I could clearly see a man's face, haloed in blue light, his eyes wide and surprised.

Then he spoke to me in my mind. _:How can you do that?:_

“Felix.” Mildmay sounded more urgent.

I blinked and the light was gone. The horses were visible again.

 _:They bound your magic_ , _;_ Jaysen said to me, his voice intense, _:Tell me how you can still use it.:_

“Shut up,” Mildmay snapped.

That broke through my daze. I stared at Mildmay. He was between me and the horses now.

“Do I look like I give a fuck?” he asked Jaysen, apparently in response. “Don't talk to Felix like that.”

 _:I apologize for my tone_ , _:_ Jaysen said, formally.

I ignored him. “They really are ghost-horses,” I whispered. The name made a horrifying sense now. I had no idea _how_ they had come to look like horses but they were unmistakably ghosts.

Mildmay turned around so fast he almost fell. I reached out to catch him but he recovered without my assistance. “Ghosts?” he asked.

“Toliver told me that white horses from Valdemar are called ghost-horses. I thought it was because of the colour...” I trailed off. How did the ghosts make themselves solid? Why were they shaped like horses if they were human ghosts? How many were there? My blood ran cold when I thought of the havoc the fantôme would have wreaked with a solid form. An army of fantômes.

Mildmay's face was pale as he turned his head to look at Jaysen. “Are you a ghost?”

I didn't hear Jaysen's reply, if he made any. Instead, my mind was full of a booming, unfamiliar voice.

_:_ _**Kindly stop upsetting Jaysen's Chosen. He's still recovering from an illness.** _ _:_

I winced a little at the force of the other horse's telepathy. No need to wonder why Mildmay hadn't told me that he'd been ill. I didn't like the sound of 'Jaysen's Chosen' as a title. It sounded too possessive.

The voice continued, _:_ _ **Their bond is strong for such a new pair but this unnecessary stress will not help it remain so**_ _.:_

What bond? I hadn't seen anything magical around Mildmay.

_:_ _**You would not sense the Herald-Companion bond easily.** _ _:_

This invasion of my mind was giving me a headache. I wished I had access to my magic so I could block it out.

_: **No need to be dramatic.** :_

I could feel his mind withdraw from mine. The silence was a relief.

I focussed on the world around me again. Talia stood not too far away with Damina. The guards had formed a wide half-circle around us. I noticed that none of them were standing in the field. As a way of escape, it presented very few advantages, so I could understand the omission.

Talia left Damina and came over to us. I expected her to talk to Mildmay but instead, she spoke to me in Trade Common. “Do you care for Mildmay?”

For one blinding second of panic, I thought she was talking about incest. My wits returned quickly, however, and I was able to respond sensibly. “Yes.”

Talia said something I didn't understand. It sounded important. “Slower, please?” I asked. Mildmay had taught me how to say _that_ in Trade Common right away.

Mildmay interrupted Talia's repetition. “No,” he said flatly. Then he said something else I couldn't quite catch but it was definitely about me.

“What is she saying?” I asked him.

“Mildmay will die unless he is trained.” Talia said, slowly. She looked very serious.

“Trained?” I repeated, stupidly.

“Magic,” she said.


	18. Light Show

Felix

I stumbled back. Talia kept her eyes on mine and didn't move. “Mildmay will die if he does not go with me.”

A threat. The mage who had trapped me would kill him. Desperately, I tore at the bindings on my magic. Pain blossomed behind my eyes. It quickly spread throughout my body, burning me, trying to distract me.

I welcomed the pain and kept on pulling. With a wrench like peeling my skin off, the binding separated from my magic.

I was free.

A scream was ringing in my ears. Most likely my own. Power coursed through me and it _hurt_. “No,” I said. I called witchlights to my hands.

Someone tackled me to the ground. I almost incinerated them before I realized it was Mildmay.

“What the fuck are you doing?” he yelled.

He'd knocked the breath out of me. I gasped in response.

“They have _archers_ , you fucking- Oh gods, _shut up_ , Jaysen.” Mildmay rolled awkwardly off me.

I looked up and saw Jaysen standing between us and the soldiers, who were hurrying closer. The other ghost-horse was standing beside Talia, who was straightening up like she'd fallen as well.

I could breathe more easily now. “But, she was threatening you,” I said.

Mildmay stared at me.

“She _was_ ,” I snapped, “Talia just threatened to kill you with magic if you don't go with her.” I pushed myself up a little so I was sitting in the dirt instead of lying in it. I ached all over.

“Oh, _fuck_. No, she wasn't. Not like that.” Mildmay was practically babbling.

“Then _tell me_ , if you know all about it!” I yelled.

Talia was shouting something over the noise the soldiers were making. The horses added their opinions in stamping and neighing.

“She means I'll die if they don't train me, alright?” Mildmay turned away from me as he spoke, like he didn't want me to hear.

“Train you to do what?” I asked. Then I understood. Magic.

I stared at Mildmay. He was watching the soldiers, the horses, and Talia, looking everywhere but at me. He looked as annemer as always. He was wearing his blankest face, which was enough to tell me he was worried.

As I looked at him, I started to see... something. Not enough to be sure it wasn't an aftereffect of pulling the binding off. It definitely wasn't magic, whatever they said.

“Talia put a shield on me. She says that'd help.” Mildmay still wasn't looking at me.

“I can't see it,” I admitted. Just like I couldn't see the bond between him and Jaysen. My head throbbed. Perhaps my perception would be more successful later, when my magic was less... disrupted.

Mildmay glanced at me. “Don't want it,” he said, almost too quietly to hear.

Of course not. I nodded.

Jaysen wasn't letting anyone near us. He even stood in Rolan's way. Talia came as close as possible and asked, in Trade Common, “Why did you attack?”

I almost laughed. I hadn't attacked at all. There would have been smoking holes in the field if I had _attacked_.

“A misunderstanding,” I said. Mildmay translated.

He may have explained a little as well because Talia looked startled. I wished again that I wasn't so hopeless with languages.

 

Mildmay

The whole thing was even more of a fucking circus after Felix's light show. The soldiers were upset and kept glaring at us. Rolan was in a snit, again. Jaysen kept accidentally letting me in on their conversation but I could have told from the way he looked. Rolan had his ears flat back like he wanted to bite. Or just trample us a little bit.

I stayed close to Felix. They weren't getting him away from me. And Jaysen wasn't letting _me_ out of his sight, in case I vanished in a puff of smoke or whatever he was scared of. Damina was changing between smug and pissed, like a Cabaline hocus watching one of her rivals fuck up in front of guests.

Talia handled it all like a pro. She was using her Empathy again, though I might have told her not to bother. I was getting the hang of ignoring her calm blankets after so much practice, and Felix makes it a point not to react the way people want him to.

“Do you need a Healer?” she asked Felix in Trade Common. “I can feel the pain you're in.”

Felix looked at me. He wasn't wincing as much as before.

“She's asking if you're hurt,” I said. I left off the part of about her 'feeling' his pain because it was going to be bad enough when he found out about Empathy without me springing it on him all sudden. What I really wanted was some time alone with him to find out how he'd got to the border and what the fuck he thought our next move should be.

“I'm fine,” Felix said in Marathine. He would have said that with an arrow through his shoulder so I ignored it and waited. “Ask her about this magic they say you have. I have so many questions about it that I hardly know where to start.”

“He says he's fine,” I told Talia in Trade Common. “He wants to know about the magic you say I have.”

Talia took a deep breath and spoke in Valdemarean. “Well, I'm not a mage myself so I don't know the differences between mind magic and true magic first hand. But I can tell both of you about mind magic generally, if you think it will help.”

I nodded. Felix sighed.

“Mind magic, or Gifts as we usually call them, is innate, like true magic. But they work differently. Each Gift does just one thing, unlike true magic, and people can have multiple Gifts with varying degrees of strength. The most common are Mindspeaking and Thoughtsensing. Then there's Farspeaking, Foresight, and Fetching. The rarer gifts are Firestarting and Empathy, especially if they're strong.” She paused. “Do you want me to clarify any of that?”

I translated her explanation as well as I could for Felix.

“Which Gifts do you have?” he asked.

“I ain't gonna use them,” I told him.

 _:They'll have to train you anyway,:_ Jaysen said. _:To keep you safe.:_

Never asked anyone to keep me safe. I'd rather be in danger than have to learn how to be a hocus.

Jaysen didn't reply in words. He sent me feelings all tangled up. Worry was the main one. It was mostly woven throughout whenever I felt his feelings.

“You are already using them,” Felix said.

“What?”

He nodded at Jaysen. “Do you talk to him, mentally?”

“No.”

“Oh. It looked like you were.”

Talia shifted from one foot to the other. We'd been ignoring her.

“Sorry,” I said. “Could I use my Gifts without knowing it?”

“Of course,” Talia said, “That's the main reason why you need training so badly. Without it, you wouldn't be able to tell your own emotions from someone else's or get into a feedback loop with them where the emotions they're feeling get stronger because you're feeling them too. With Mindspeech, it's more of the same, except with uncontrollable thought sending and receiving.”

“What is she saying?” Felix asked.

I ain't a good liar. The best I can do is leave shit out and move on fast enough so it doesn't show. “She says I could use them without knowing. That's why she put the shield on me.”

“Do you believe her?”

“Yeah,” I said. “It... shit was happening.”

Felix looked concerned. “If you had my kind of magic, manifesting phenomena would indicate a pressing need for training. So, she says that's the same with this kind as well?”

He was talking around asking me again what my Gifts were. That was unexpectedly nice of him. “Yeah.”

Talia said, “Mildmay, I wouldn't insist if it wasn't serious. But the longer we delay going to Haven, the harder it will be to get your training sorted out.” She spread her hands out. “Your brother is no longer being detained. We should be on our way.”

“She wants to get going,” I said to Felix.

“Well, if my former captors will give me our packs, I'll be ready to depart at once,” he said.

I stared at him. “You wanna go?”

“I'm hardly likely to find stranger magic than this in Rethwellan,” he said, airily, brushing dust off his trousers. He glanced up and smiled at me. “Even if I wouldn't get lost trying to find Petras by myself.”


	19. On the South Trade Road to Haven

Mildmay

 

Talia wasn't surprised Felix was coming with us to Haven. “I know it's the only way you'd agree to go at all,” she told me.

Damina was less easygoing. “This is a grievous error in judgement, Queen's Own. That man is a danger to Valdemar!”

“You have heard my decision, Herald Damina. Your caution is admirable but your inflexibility is not,” Talia said. “Any further discussion will have to be done by courier. We must be on our way as soon as Felix's belongings are restored.”

When I told Felix we'd be leaving soon, he pulled on his shirt cuffs and said, “I hope there is at least one decent tailor in Valdemar. My clothing wasn't built for this kind of abuse.”

That snide comment shouldn't have made my eyes tear up like a little kid with a skinned knee. Felix was _okay_. I hadn't really let myself believe he would be. It was all hitting me now just how close he'd been to getting tortured, maybe even in front of me.

I breathed deep, keeping my face still. I'd felt this rush before, after a crisis was done. You don't have time while it's happening so all the feelings pile up and drop on you after.

 _:We wouldn't have hurt him, not really,:_ Jaysen said, sidling sideways. He was still staying close to me and Felix like before.

“You're a fucking liar,” I said. I felt him recoil, though he didn't move his body.

“ _Excuse_ me _?”_ Felix asked.

I flushed. “Sorry. Jaysen, talking to me again.”

“Seems like he hardly ever stops,” Felix said.

I nodded.

A bunch of people came out of the border fort, carrying supplies and our packs. There weren't as many as I remembered. I wondered what Felix had needed to leave behind.

As soon as the packs were set down, Felix started rummaging through one of them. It didn't take long for him to find what he was looking for. “Aha!” he said, pulling out a little book with a flourish. It was the diary I'd been keeping for Kay, to tell him about all our adventures.

Felix handed it to me, looking very pleased with himself. “I didn't read it,” he told me, earnestly.

“Thanks,” I said, turning the book over gently in my hands. Kethe, I had some catching up to do. Kay'd never believe the things that'd happened.

Felix frowned at the packs. “Where is it? I know I brought it.” He waved imperiously at one of the people talking to Talia about supplies. “Where is the cane I came with?” he said, in Marathine, as if the poor girl could understand him.

“You brought my _cane_?” I asked, stunned.

Felix turned the frown to me. “Of course I did. You need it,” he said, like he'd always taken care of me instead of the other way around.

Turned out, they'd put Jashuki in a different storage room because canes counted as weapons. I almost felt normal again, leaning on it, even with everything being as fucked up as it was.

Talia mounted up and Rolan trotted over to us. “We'll be travelling quickly so Felix will have to ride double with each of us in turn. Rolan is stronger than Jaysen so his turns can be longer.”

I swung into Jaysen's saddle as graceful as I could, which wasn't very. “Come on,” I told Felix.

He balked. “But... I...”

“They go faster than regular horses,” I said.

Felix glared at me. “I _know_ that. You don't find it strange to... to...”

I waited but he didn't keep going. “What?”

“I...” he said, again, and closed his mouth. “Fine.” He mounted up behind me.

We followed Talia and Rolan out of there.

“You're really fine with riding a sentient horse who speaks in your mind?” Felix asked after we'd gone a little way.

I shrugged, knowing he could feel the movement. “Had enough practice by now.”

“There was some other...” Felix trailed off. “Nevermind. How did you know where I was?”

“Jaysen told me.”

“How did he know?”

“Companions all talk to each other. Damina's Companion told Rolan and he told Jaysen.”

There was silence while Felix thought about that. Birds sang from the bushes by the road. I hadn't really noticed before how nice the Comb was. Talia had told me about how it was impassable for almost five months a year by snow but there wasn't any sign of that now in the grass and flowering bushes and tall trees with needles that grew everywhere.

Rolan slowed down a little and started keeping pace with Jaysen. Talia smiled at us. “Nice weather, isn't it?” It was still cloudy. “We'll take it easy today and stop for the night at the mid-Comb waystation.”

I nodded. “She's making small talk,” I said, in Marathine. “Planning where to stop.”

I felt Felix sigh more than I heard it. He didn't say anything.

Talia waited for either of us to talk more but when we hadn't after a few minutes, Rolan sped up again.

“I would rather you translated everything, instead of giving me a synopsis,” Felix said.

“It'd take too long.” I hadn't heard 'synopsis' before but I could guess what it meant.

“How can I meaningfully contribute to the conversation if I can't understand what's going on?”

“Talia knows Trade Common.”

Felix laughed. “By all means, let us have more misunderstandings like that.”

I didn't answer. He was right, I should be trying to translate better for him.

 _:I... perhaps...:_ Jaysen said, tentatively.

“Jaysen, no,” I growled.

_:Why not? Not that the idea appeals to me much but it would be easier with direct contact—:_

“Just don't.”

_:Mildmay...:_

“You want me to trust you? It's shit like this why I don't.”

Jaysen didn't answer, but Felix decided to. “For a telepathic horse, he doesn't listen well, does he?”

“He just thinks he's right all the time,” I said. “Hey, how'd you get to the border, anyway?”

“Toliver. He could follow your trail and—Oh.” Felix's voice got all soft and wobbly on the last word.

I tensed up, not knowing what was coming.

“Ghost-horses,” Felix said, and I remembered him saying it before. It hadn't seemed important but it _was_. And...

Jaysen stumbled but caught his balance before we went over. Ahead, Rolan's head came up, startled.

“How did I forget that?” Felix asked. He sounded worried. I knew how.

 _:It wasn't me!:_ Jaysen announced, though I hadn't fucking asked, _:There are... secrets and Rolan...:_

_**:Hush, Jaysen. I will handle this.:** _

I should ask Talia what those trees were called. Felix knew more about plants than me but we were too far north for almost any of them to be the same as back home.

“What was I saying?” Felix asked.

“How you got to the border,” I said, though there was something else nagging at me.

Felix told me the story and I told him the little bits I knew from my journey to Valdemar, even about being sick so he'd know why I didn't come back north sooner.

“So, who is Talia, then?”

“Jaysen says she's the Queen's Own. Third most powerful person in Valdemar.”

“And she just happened to be in the town where you were?” He sounded skeptical.

 _:I called for Rolan to bring her,:_ Jaysen said. _:You were ill and I thought... I thought you needed a MindHealer.:_

“Jaysen called her,” I told Felix. I hesitated, then said the rest. “She heals minds.”

He flinched. “And you...?”

“No.”

Felix let out his breath. “But Jaysen wanted her to?”

“He didn't know what the fuck was going on with me.” He still didn't, not really.

“He blocked my scrying,” Felix said, slow, figuring it out as he talked. “I was looking for you and I couldn't get anything at all.”

“Yeah, he told me,” I said.

“Well, it _is_ nice to know that it wasn't sheer incompetence holding me back,” he said, lightly.

I laughed. Talia turned around, looking surprised. She smiled at me again and it looked more real than before.

Maybe this trip wouldn't be so bad after all.

*******

Felix

We pulled up to the waystation that night, cranky and dusty. Talia made a fuss when she and I found out that Mildmay's leg brace had broken during our adventures at the border post. Though the specific wording was a mystery, I took her meaning easily.

“Why didn't you say anything?” I asked.

“Didn't want to stay there all day while they fixed it,” Mildmay said.

He had a point. I'd spent the first little while on the road convinced that a troop of soldiers was about to appear behind us at any moment and take me back to the holding cell.

We brought our supplies into the waystation, a small building clearly constructed as a very temporary stopping point for travellers. Mildmay started the fire while Talia and I took care of the Companions. Thankfully, neither horse spoke to me. Riding Jaysen for most of the day had been bad enough; I didn't think I could stand to have a chat with an animal I was currying and for whom I was setting out food.

Once the immediate chores were done, all three of us settled around the fire to eat. Talia occassionally spoke and Mildmay dutifully told me what she said. But he didn't really answer her and I was too tired to make much conversation. My rather explosive regainment of my magic added to a few days of inactivity combined to make me more tired than I should have been.

After dinner, Talia stretched and said something. Mildmay translated her remark as “Time for the Shielding lesson.”

“Can I watch?” I asked.

“Nobody stopping you,” he said. “Don't know how much you'll get, though, cause she wants me to concentrate.”

Talia and Mildmay sat facing each other. She started speaking, gently, in a low voice. They both closed their eyes. I watched carefully. They were not performing true magic like mine, but maybe I could find out a little bit more about mind magic in practice.

At first, I couldn't see anything changing. I tried different methods of perception and each failed in turn. Finally, I got up, walked a circle around the inside of the waystation to make a ward, and opened my magic up to outside influences. It was a bit of a radical step but by then, I was becoming frustrated.

A faint pulsing was all I could see around Talia, like she was giving off heat. Mildmay looked exactly the same as before. I waited. Mildmay was concentrating, that was certain.

I began to hear something far away. As I listened, I tried to work out what it was. It sounded like... water. We weren't anywhere near as much as a stream and Talia had drawn from a deep well for our use tonight.

Something else joined the water sound. A murmering mixed with the noise of the waves. “And the ocean knew what he was about to do and it called out.” It was Mildmay's voice.

I scrambled to my feet. “Mildmay!” I yelled.

Talia and Mildmay started violently and opened their eyes. Both of them glared at me but I didn't care.

“What were you doing? That wasn't shielding. You were...” I gestured in frustration. “I could hear you! You were telling a story about the ocean.”

Mildmay stopped glaring and looked at his hands. Talia looked between us, her own glare fading into confusion.

“Why?” I asked. “You have to learn how to shield. It's important.”

Talia asked Mildmay a question.

I answered her in my clumsy Trade Common. “He was talking,” I said.

Talia's eyes widened and she asked Mildmay another question, her tone sharper.

His head snapped up and he growled something at her. I couldn't catch what it was.

Talia stood up quickly. Mildmay flinched back from her. I knew she saw it because she froze.

“Maybe go outside,” I said to Talia. She looked at me, then back at Mildmay, and nodded. She left.

Mildmay put his head in his hands for a moment. Then he straightened and looked up at me. I sat down next to him but not too close.

“Sorry,” he said, “I didn't mean to go in your head.”

I said, “I don't think you were. It was more like you were sending your inner voice out.”

He took a deep breath and let it out. “Okay.”

We sat in silence for a few minutes. Then Mildmay said, “That's one of my Gifts. She says. MindSpeaking.”

I nodded.

“Talia's been trying to teach me and I've been... trying to not learn. But I have to or this'll happen again, right?”

“I think so,” I said. “Or something worse.”

“When Talia's teaching me. Sometimes she reminds me of...” He abandoned the sentence and kept going. “It's stupid. She doesn't even look like Kee- Kolkhis.”

I remembered the elegant figure of Mildmay's Keeper, with her fashionable lady's gowns and shining black hair. He was right, she didn't look like Talia at all. I also could tell already that Talia was far kinder than Kolkhis could dream of being. I also remembered how Mildmay himself had reminded me of my own Keeper when we'd first met, purely on the basis of his Lower City accent.

“She doesn't have to,” I said.

***

The journey felt longer than the six days it took. Talia received dispatches several times from couriers on Companions and spent most of her days composing responses. She still taught Mildmay in the evenings. I could not tell if they were making much progress but the incident from our first night didn't recur.

I greatly preferred riding with Mildmay to riding with Talia. She always courteously rode beside Mildmay when I was with her but it was awkward to talk for long with her so obviously left out of the conversation. Mildmay started trying to teach me Valdemaran which took up some of the time. He spoke to Jaysen aloud often, still refusing to MindSpeak.

Finally, Mildmay and I saw the city of Haven for the first time. The sun still shone in the sky because of the long summer days, though it was just past dinnertime. The city spread out before us. A river curved around it. Talia pointed out the three sets of walls, all obviously much less impressive than the single one around Mélusine. She also pointed out the palace and separate buildings of each Collegium, barely distinct from our vantage point. There were three Collegia: Herald, Healer, and Bardic. They were centralized places of learning for new recuits to those disciplines. Talia told us there was a fourth Collegium for mages but it was too new to have its own building yet.

“The Collegia are in the same grounds as the palace,” Mildmay translated. “That's where we're going.”

Haven didn't look very large to me. Perhaps the view was deceptive. Even as a blob in the distance, this palace looked much more cheerful than the hulking fortress of the Mirador. However, all of the friendly architecture in the world could not have prevented my anxiety about the future ahead of us.

Talia looked more relaxed than she had for days as we began the final leg of our journey.


	20. Choices

Felix

We ate as we rode the short distance to the south gate of Haven. I had been hoping to have a civilized meal in the city tonight, since Mildmay told me we would be arriving today. I hid my disappointment in mouthfuls of stale travel bread stuffed with sharp cheese.

Talia hailed the guards at the gate. They waved her on at once and only glanced at Mildmay and I. It seemed that Mildmay's information about Talia being powerful was accurate.

As we travelled through the narrow, curving streets of Haven, I looked around with interest. There were plenty of people around, going about their evening's errands. It was odd to be in a city after so long on the road. Almost all of the buildings we passed were three or four storeys at maximum. There were plenty of statues, though most of them seemed to have some practical as well as decorative function.

I was sitting behind Mildmay on Jaysen so it was easy for him to whisper, “Look, they have public fountains here.”

I looked. There was a fountain with several people crowded around it with baskets of clothes and a couple others industriously pumping water into a bucket beside it. They looked up as we passed. Two of the young women waved and one of the children called out something.

“She said, 'Heyla, Heralds',” Mildmay translated without prompting. He'd already taught me that 'heyla' was a casual greeting.

We continued following Talia and Rolan up the sloping, curving path. It felt like we had taken a scenic tour of the whole city, but at last we reached the gate of the Palace grounds.

Here, also, Talia was greeted cheerfully and waved through without challenge. Almost as soon as the gate closed behind us, a boy of about ten ran up, calling out, “Mama! Mama!”

Talia dismounted quickly and hugged him. They chattered together for a moment. Then a man in white joined the group and Talia let go of the boy to hug him as well. I was starting to see why Talia had been so eager to reach Haven.

“Do you want me to translate what they're saying?” Mildmay asked.

“Only if they're talking about us,” I said, lightly.

“They aren't,” Mildmay said. “But that guy did say he could feel Talia coming.”

“Like magic?” I asked.

He laughed. “So, only interested if folks are talking about you or magic, huh?”

I smiled, even though he couldn't see my face. “That covers the important topics rather well, does it not?”

Talia turned away from her reunion and beckoned to us. I slid off Jaysen quickly and Mildmay followed more slowly.

“I'm okay, stop motherhenning me,” he muttered.

I decided not to answer since it sounded more like he was talking to Jaysen than to me. It disturbed me slightly when my thoughts apparently agreed with the Companion's own.

We joined Talia's little group. Talia introduced us. “This is my husband, Herald Dirk,” she said in Trade Common. The man bowed to us. He was much older than Talia and so homely as to be almost ugly, despite his confident posture. “And this is our son, Jemmie.”

Mildmay said, “Pleased to meet you,” in Valdemaran. That was one of the first phrases we'd practiced. I said it as well, stumbling only slightly.

Talia beamed. She was always happy when Mildmay spoke Valdemaran. She said something quickly that I didn't understand.

“She says we'll stay in one of the Herald guest rooms tonight,” Mildmay translated. I noticed he was gripping his cane rather tightly.

“Very well,” I said, smiling at all and sundry. More people had wandered into the courtyard and were looking at us.

Talia called to one of the children in blue livery. She gave her a quick explanation, then turned back to us.

“Welcome to Haven,” she said. She paused, looking from Mildmay to me with a slight dimming of her bright smile. “Call on me, if you wish,” she said in Trade Common. With that enigmatic statement, Talia and her family left the courtyard.

“Okay,” Mildmay said.

I heard chiming and looked for Jaysen. He was walking away from us, along a path parallel with the wall. Our packs were being swarmed over by a small army of servants. Rolan had vanished when I was not paying attention to him.

I straightened my worn coat, conscious of the eyes on us. Its original colour was nearly inperceptible now and though Mildmay had mended its various tears, I still felt quite threadbare and disreptuable. “Well, then,” I said. “I wonder where those Herald guest rooms are.”

The servant Talia had instructed bowed to us and motioned for us to follow her.

“Looks like she knows,” Mildmay said, under his breath.

***

We settled ourselves fairly quickly in the guest room. Our packs were brought and one of the servants told Mildmay the procedures for laundry and the like. He faithfully translated all of the instructions for me.

There were two chairs, a clothes chest, a desk, and a bed in the room. The walls were grey stone, reminding me unpleasantly of my cell in the border fort. I looked out the window. We were on the ground floor, so I didn't expect to see much. The sun was setting somewhere to the left. A large wooden building nearby blocked most of the view.

I turned away. Mildmay was stacking the books on the desk, dividing mine from the ones I had borrowed from Grimglass Tower. He'd already piled our pitiful amount of laundry by the door. We'd lost some clothing in Seejay, when our horses ran away from the White Winds mages, and I had left more with the caravan when Toliver and I went searching for Mildmay.

Thinking of Toliver, I felt again the strange sensation of having forgotten something important. But I couldn't pin down what I could not remember. I pushed the feeling aside. “Are you going to do your shielding practice without Talia?” I asked Mildmay.

“Been doing it since we came in,” he said, still focussed on the books.

“What?”

“I gotta keep shields up all the time, she says.” He glanced up at me and I could see the weariness in his face. “Not much good at it so far.”

“That can't be right,” I said, before I could stop myself. What did I know about this kind of magic? Next to nothing. “I mean, all the time? What about while you're asleep?”

Mildmay sat down in the desk chair. “She says it'll get to be habit and they'll stay up when I'm asleep.” He started working on the buckles of his leg brace. It was much too clunky for him to sleep comfortably with it on.

I didn't offer to help, since Mildmay would obviously be faster at this kind of thing than I, no matter how awkward the angle. I did move out of the way so he would have the dimming light from the window to see by. “I still couldn't tell you were doing anything,” I said.

“You'll figure it out,” he said, like it was as easy as that.

We went to bed soon after, and I could tell by his stillness that Mildmay was asleep almost at once. I was fatigued as well, but it was a couple of hours at least before I fell asleep properly.

_Pillars of light and strange faces peering out at me and voices whispering in my ears, telling me there was never any danger. The black-and-white moon looming over me and the horrible certainty that I had been tricked._

I woke up with a jolt that almost sent me off the side of the bed. The dream had been patchy. Its half-remembered wisps were already escaping me. I was left only with the memories it had been made from.

Ghost-horses. An army of fantômes.

Rolan.

There was no room for doubt. I was absolutely convinced that Rolan had tampered with my memory, and most likely with Mildmay's as well. I scrambled into my clothes and almost ran out of our room.

A door to the outside was difficult to find in the unfamiliar corridors. I cast witchlights to guide me but it still took far longer than necessary to arrive outdoors. Once in the open air, I strode purposefully into the night.

The Companions were not difficult to find. I looked for the telltale columns of light and saw them almost at once. However, they were on the far side of a river. I followed the bank for a ridiculously long time until I finally arrived at a bridge. It was a simple affair of wood, wide enough for two carts to pass each other without touching. I crossed by walking down the middle of it and not looking at the rushing water on either side, sinister with the glow from my witchlights.

Rolan came to meet me, as I'd half-expected him to do. His pillar of white light was taller and brighter than any of the others I could see dotting what must be a truly massive field. There was no hint of a human figure within it.

 _ **:What brings you here?:**_ he boomed in my mind.

“You know why I am here,” I said out loud.

_**:Secrets that are not yours to keep were taken back.:** _

That made me even angrier. “You have no right!”

He said, _**:I must protect my own.:**_

I nodded. “And I will protect us from you.” Rage pulsed through me.

“Felix!”

I whirled around and sent my witchlights out. They revealed Mildmay stumbling toward us. He was using his cane but the uneven ground of the field made him lurch across it. “What the fuck,” he panted, as he arrived beside me.

“Rolan tampered with our memories,” I said.

Mildmay's eyes went wide. “What?”

 _ **:I will do my work more thoroughly this time,:**_ Rolan said.

I readied myself to strike.

 _:No!:_ A new voice broke into my head. Jaysen had not spoken to me since the day we met, but I recognized his voice as he rushed forward. He interposed himself between Rolan and I, facing the other Companion. _:No more, Rolan!:_

I didn't hear what Rolan said next but Jaysen included me, and presumably Mildmay, in his response.

_:He isn't a foreigner now, he's my Chosen! And I should have spoken up before, because you are wrong! Aren't we here to help? Shouldn't we push away our prejudices?:_

Jaysen paused, then continued. _:I made mistakes, I know that. However, that doesn't mean I am mistaken now.:_

After a long pause, Rolan turned and walked away. Other Companions, who had crept closer during the argument, made way for him.

Jaysen turned around to face us. _:I'm so sorry, Mildmay, Felix.:_

“Will one of you tell me what the _fuck_ this is about?” Mildmay hissed.

“Ghost-horses,” I said. Jaysen's intervention had been unexpected and I wasn't sure of my next move. “I found out that Companions are ghosts and Rolan supressed that knowledge.”

Mildmay breathed out sharply. “So, you're a ghost then?” he asked Jaysen.

 _:In a way,:_ Jaysen said. _:A long time ago, I was a Herald. When I died, I got a choice: stay in the Havens or come back as a Companion and help a new Herald.:_

“Why would you come back?” I asked.

For a moment, I saw his human face, looking out at me from the column of blue-white light. Then, all I saw was a white horse, ducking his head. _:I... I died young. I wasn't ready to give up the world. Being a Companion is a lot different than being human, but this way, I can still help Valdemar.:_

“Are you going to take away our memories now?” Mildmay asked.

_:No. I've convinced Rolan to leave you two alone. But this is one of our greatest secrets. Do not reveal it to anyone.:_

Mildmay and I looked at each other. The implied threat was obvious. “I suppose we have no choice,” I said.

 _:There is always a choice,:_ Jaysen replied.

***

Mildmay

After our midnight chat with talking horses, I had a hard time going back to sleep. Kept thinking Felix was gone again. It hadn't half given me a scare to wake up to him not there. Reminded me of the bad old days going across the Kekropian Empire the first time. Of course, Felix can take care of himself better now than he could then, but try to tell that to my pounding heart.

I had known I would've woken up if the guards had come to take him to prison, and why would we have even been in that room if they had wanted to arrest Felix? Much simpler to do it when we first arrived at the gate.

Anyway, worrying over Felix wasn't the only reason I couldn't sleep. It wasn't Jaysen being a ghost either. Ghost-horses ain't really any weirder than talking hocus horses, after all. No, it was the memory erasing that was bothering me. It made me wonder what else was missing.

Our room faced north so the sun didn't come right in. I watched the sky get lighter. The summer days were long here so it was full daylight before the first hour of the morning. I heard a bell, probably to wake the servants up. I wrote in my notebook for Kay. It'd be wasting the chance to use a real desk for once if I didn't.

A knock at our door startled me. I got up creakily to answer it. The same girl who had shown us to our room last night handed me a covered basket that smelled like fresh bread. My insides grumbled. Her face twitched but she managed not to giggle.

“I have a message as well,” she said. “Herald Talia says you have a meeting with Herald Elcarth. I'll come back in a candlemark to show you where.”

She trotted away before I could work out how to ask how long a candlemark was.

***

The room she led me to was full of books. They lined the shelves on all four walls, surrounding the desk in the middle like the walls around the Mirador. The desk was covered in papers and the man sitting there was writing on one of them with quick, birdlike movements.

“Mildmay's here, milord Herald,” the page said and she vanished back out the door.

Elcarth looked up and smiled. He was older than I expected, probably in the middle of his ninth septad, with the white uniform matching what was left of his white hair.

He stood up briskly and bowed. I copied the bow, not knowing how else to do it right.

Then, he surprised me by speaking Marathine. “Welcome, Mildmay! I am Herald Elcarth, the Dean of the Herald's Collegium. Talia told me you speak Corambin? I do hope I'm not mangling the pronunciations. Languages are a hobby of mine.”

He sat down again and I lowered myself into the chair he pointed to.

“So, you can use Corambin if you like. Your Companion—Jaysen, is it?—Jaysen can give you the Valdemaran to say if I have trouble understanding. But I'll do my best.”

“Okay.” Sounded simple enough.

“Let me start off by giving you a bit of an idea what Heralds are,” he said. “Companions Choose people who can help make Valdemar a better place. People with a strong moral compass who have the best interests of others at heart. Heralds are held up as examples to everyone because of their loyalty, kindness, and fairhanded judgements.”

I just about gasped out loud at that. I mean, I knew that Jaysen had fucked up when he picked me but I hadn't gotten just how bad it was.

He misread my face because he said, “Of course, we're only human! No one expects you to be a paragon of virtue at all times. And you'll have plenty of training before you're expected to serve.”

I didn't say anything. Them expecting me to become a magistrate would have been bad enough. This morality shit was too much.

Elcarth leaned forward. “Let's start off with the interview with your full name.”

Oh, Kethe. “Mild-may-your-sufferings-be-at-the-hands-of-the-wicked.”

He stared at me, as well he should. “Your pardon, I...”

I kept going. I needed to say it, needed get this whole pantomime over with fast. “But they called me Mildmay the Fox. When I killed people. For money.”

I had a sudden memory of Jaysen calling me that, the first time he spoke to me. But I'd been feverish then. It probably wasn't real. Jaysen wouldn't have picked me to be a Herald if he knew.

 _:Your past shapes your present. I Chose you, who you are now.:_ Jaysen's voice in my head was soft. He sounded convinced. But I couldn't believe him.

Elcarth was saying something. For once it was me asking somebody to repeat themselves, instead of the other way around.

“Can you tell me more about that?”

“More about being a paid killer?” I asked.

He nodded. “Why did you chose that line of work?” he asked.

“Don't matter why I killed them, won't make them less dead,” I said.

Elcarth made a 'keep going' motion with his hand.

I glared at him. “Following orders don't make it okay,” I said.

“Whose orders?”

Fuck me sideways. “You want my whole life story?”

“Whatever you can tell me will be helpful,” Elcarth said.

Well, that was fucking vague. “Why are you still talking to me anyway? I can't be a Herald.”

He looked startled so I added, “I ain't a good person. You said Heralds are.”

“Mildmay, the Companions Choose who the new Heralds will be. Jaysen has Chosen you, and so, you have the inherent qualities of a Herald.” Elcarth paused. “Of course, you have a choice as well.”

“What choice?” I asked.

“We don't force people to become Heralds against their will. I understand the circumstances for you entering Valdemar were... unusual.”

I almost laughed but I managed to keep it inside.

“Will you accept my apology?” Elcarth asked.

Now it was my turn to be startled. “Why?”

“I completely misread the situation, so I started our session together all wrong. I beg your pardon.”

He paused until I figured out he was waiting for me to talk. “Thank you,” I said, in Valdemaran, hoping it was the right thing to say. Some places have special shit you have to say back and folks don't often beg my pardon in the normal run of things so I hadn't asked Talia about it.

Elcarth smiled. “Good pronunciation! Talia said you were picking up Valdemaran quickly. How many languages do you speak?”

I thought about it. “About a septad,” I said. “Seven.” Had to remember to translate my counting into flash reckoning, since Corambins don't count in septads and that's who Elcarth had studied for his language.

He raised his eyebrows. “Impressive.”

I shrugged. I hadn't been able to read even Marathine hardly at all until Felix started teaching me last year so maybe it evened out. “Not fluent in all of them,” I said.

“How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?”

Three septads and three. “Twenty-four,” I said.

“And you said you were following orders to assassinate people,” Elcarth said, calmly, “Did you do other work as well?”

I glared at him. I'd been feeling better about him since the apology, and he'd been softening me up. “I was a cat burglar,” I said. I picked up Jashuki and held it up. “Before.”

He winced. “Yes, I did notice that. How were you injured?”

“Cursed.”

“What did you say?”

“I was cursed. It didn't work.” He looked confused. “Supposed to be a killing curse.”

“Oh.” After a pause, he said, “So, magic is fairly common in Corambis?”

“Yeah,” I said. Let him think that's where I was from, not like it mattered.

“Talia told me she was working with you on preliminary shielding techniques? Did you have mind magic before coming to Valdemar?”

“Never heard of it.”

“Well, we can certainly teach you about yours, no matter your choice.” He leaned forward a little. “Mildmay, will you give us a chance to convince you to stay? A trial run?”

Jaysen unexpectedly broke in. _:Please? Just try out being a Trainee? I know I haven't been a good ambassador but I'll do better.:_

I'd be stuck here to do the hocus training anyway. “Okay,” I said.


	21. Tour

Mildmay

Elcarth left to find somebody and left me alone in his office. I wondered if the book he'd learned Marathine from was somewhere on the shelves. When I looked at them closer, the books were mostly handwritten diaries with faded ink and crackly pages.

After about a half hour, he came back. There was another Herald with him. I'd heard them coming so I was back in my chair when Elcarth opened the door, acting like I hadn't moved.

“Mildmay, this is Herald Skif,” Elcarth said, in Valdemaran, “He's agreed to be your mentor for the time being. He'll show you around and answer any questions you have.”

I stood up and we bowed to each other. Skif was a bit taller than me, with short, curly brown hair. He looked to be about Talia's age, maybe a little older. They had the same white skin tanned by the weather. I'd been noticing that lots of Valdemarans looked similar.

“He used to be a thief,” Elcarth said, “So I hope that will give you two some common ground.” He smiled at both of us.

Powers and saints. As if stealing was a good conversation starter for strangers, like breeding fancy horses or growing prize-winning flowers.

Skif said, “Well met, Mildmay. Do you want to start the tour right away?”

I grabbed Jashuki. “Goodbye, Herald Elcarth,” I said in Valdemaran.

He beamed at me. “Goodbye, Mildmay. I will consult with the other instructors and we'll work out a course of study for you tomorrow.”

Skif held the door for me. Once we were out in the castle hallway, he let me set the pace.

“So, you're from OutKingdom?” Skif asked.

I nodded.

“My Cymry says your Jaysen is translating Valdemaran for you right now.”

Cymry was probably Skif's Companion. I nodded again.

“Well, I'm sure he'll be able to give you the Valdemaran to say to me as well,” Skif said. “And you were a thief?”

“Yeah,” I said. How did you say 'paid killer' in Valdemaran?

Jaysen gave me the translation, though the thought had been sarcastic. I would've glared at him if he'd been there.

“And a knife fighter too, I'll bet.” Skif drew on his face with his finger, about where my scar would be on him.

“You too,” I said, because I'd seen all the knives he had on him and it only made sense. Knives and thieves go together.

Skif grinned. “Caught that, huh? Alberich is going to make us spar together, I can feel it.”

“Alberich?”

“The Weaponsmaster. He's retired but he still does a lot of training. Kero and Jeri help him.”

“Training?” I was sounding like a fucking trained bird, repeating words like that. Everything Skif said made a septad more questions open up in my head.

“All the Trainees do weapons training.”

I laughed. “Don't need that,” I said, thumping my cane on the ground a little harder than necessary on my next step.

Skif cleared his throat. “Training can be adapted for...” He trailed off and started again. “They'll figure something out for you.”

I didn't answer. I hadn't really been thinking about my leg when I said I didn't need training but it would be an excuse not to do it.

“Here we are,” Skif said. “This is the dining hall.”

It was a big, square room with a bunch of tables and chairs. A girl in grey looked up at us when Skif spoke but then went back to sweeping the floor.

Skif pointed to the far wall. “Back there is the kitchens. You can go there between meals and they'll feed you.” He paused. “Did you get breakfast today?”

I nodded.

“Okay,” Skif said. “Upstairs from here is the library, we can go see that later.” He started walking again.

Skif told me the building we were in was the Herald's Collegium, but the Bardic and Healer's Collegium students sometimes went to classes here too, as well as in their own buildings, which he pointed out through the windows. We walked through a bit of the New Palace, which was built more than six hundred years ago. Skif showed me where the Herald-Mages had their new classrooms, though we didn't go in. I'd show Felix where it was later. I found out that most of the Herald and Herald Trainee sleeping quarters were near the guestroom where Felix and I were staying, just on the upper floors.

“Don't worry, they're not going to put you in with the children,” Skif said.

“What?” I asked.

“Most Herald-Trainees are Chosen before they'd be apprenticed. The average age is thirteen.” Skif glanced at me. “You didn't know?”

I wondered what other shit was waiting for me. “No,” I said.

“Of course not, how could you? Sorry, I'm not used to thinking about us from an outsider's point of view.”

I nodded.

Skif sighed. “I've never been a mentor before. I usually ride circuit. I'm only stationed in Haven right now because Cymry's going to have another foal.”

“Companions have foals?” I asked. Were the foals born with ghosts inside them?

“Sure. Do you want to come see her?” he asked.

***

The walk to the Companion's Field was nicer in the daytime. Skif let me set the pace. My leg was just starting to hurt when we reached the edge of the field. Maybe the leg brace _was_ helping.

Two Companions were waiting for us. Skif went up and patted Cymry. Jaysen looked at me hopefully. I stopped a few paces away.

I bowed to Cymry, about the same as I'd bowed to Herald Elcarth. “Pleased to meet you, Cymry,” I said. She bowed her head a little in return.

Skif blinked at me. “Oh, she won't Mindspeak to you,” he explained.

I nodded. Talia had told me about that. If nobody ever spoke in my head again, it'd be too soon.

 _:Cymry says she likes you. Most humans don't have any manners,:_ Jaysen said.

Skif laughed. “Alright, alright.” He gestured at me with a flourish. “Milady Cymry, may I present Herald-Trainee Mildmay? I see that you are already acquainted with his Companion, Jaysen.”

Cymry snorted at Skif and tossed her head. He laughed again and stroked her neck. Their closeness underlined the distance between me and Jaysen.

 _:Do you need to sit down? I know the tour had a lot of walking,:_ Jaysen said.

“No,” I said.

Skif frowned at me. “No what?”

“I...” I fumbled for the words until Jaysen gave them to me. “I was talking to Jaysen. I don't Mindspeak. I don't know how.” Learning Valdemaran became more fucking urgent every hour. Depending on Jaysen for translations had never been fun but if I was saying words, I wanted to know for sure what they meant.

“Sorry, could you say that again?”

I did, slower.

“Oh. That makes sense. I'm not sure who they'll ask to teach you. Kero could even help, though I don't think she's taught before.” He left Cymry's side with one last pat and came over to me. “Speaking of Kero, I should show you where the salle is.”

I didn't know what the salle was.

 _:Where they train Heralds to fight,:_ Jaysen said, _:I can carry you there, if you want.:_

“Let's go,” I said to Skif. I didn't look back at Jaysen as we walked away.

_***_

The salle was about as far from the Companion's Field as that was from the palace. Men and women, mostly in white, practiced fighting on the packed ground outside a big wooden stand-alone building. Some of the fighters were alone, some in pairs. A few palace guards and one old woman wearing bright red were there, as well as the Heralds.

A man in dark gray watched them. He turned to us as Skif led me over. His face was scarred with old burns. He could have been anywhere between eight or eleven septads.

“You have come to spar? Early for you awake to be,” he said. His accent was different from the other Valdemarans I'd heard.

“I wasn't on duty last night so they gave me a job this morning,” Skif said. “Alberich, this is Herald-Trainee Mildmay. Mildmay, this is Weaponsmaster Herald Alberich.” I bowed.

“Retired,” Alberich said.

Skif snorted. “But you're still here, as always.”

“Jeri and Kero the trainees handle,” Alberich said. “I watch.”

“And he hardly _ever_ interferes,” a woman to my left said.

I turned, leaning on Jashuki to help me balance. The woman was tall and wore light armour. She fought the man in front of her while she talked. “Ralf, pay attention. I'm about to disarm you.” She hit Ralf's arm with her wooden sword and his weapon fell in the dirt. “There now, go run around the salle six times and think about why I won.”

Ralf picked up his sword and plodded away, rubbing his arm.

The woman sheathed her sword and extended her hand to me. “Well met,” she said as we shook hands. “I'm Herald Kerowyn. Call me Kero.” I could see now she had green eyes and was older than I'd first thought, maybe in her sixth septad.

“Mildmay,” I said. I kept my face still, though all the fighting nearby made me damn twitchy.

Kero pulled her practice helmet off. A long tail of blonde hair fell into her face and she flicked it back with a toss of her head. “Mildmay, do you have any objections to fighting a woman?”

“A woman trained me,” I said.

Kero's eyebrows went up. “Were you a soldier?”

“No.” I didn't want to explain. Too many strangers asking me questions. My leg hurt from all the fucking walking. I wanted to not be here.

Skif asked, “Mildmay, will you be all right if I leave? I'll find you later on today and we'll talk more.”

I nodded. He walked away, limping a bit like he had a rock in one shoe.

Kero said, “I should really get back to my students. We'll talk later about about your training, Mildmay.” She left.

Alberich and I stood there, looking at each other. At last, he said, “Inside. We will sit.”

I followed him into the salle building. A huge mirror took up almost the entire far wall. My own face startled me. I was so thin and pale. I looked more like Felix than usual, except for the fucking scar.

Alberich led me into a smaller, inner room with a fireplace, chairs, a table, and the most beautiful stained glass window I had ever seen up close. The design was simple: a golden circle with four long points and smaller points between them, like a big star. The background was bright blue and the light through it made the room seem like it held the whole sky.

“The sun,” Alberich said. “Calming, is it not?”

Without meaning to, I'd been staring. I looked away.

Alberich sat down and motioned me to a chair. I sat too, holding back a sigh of relief.

“Valdemaran, you are not,” Alberich said.

I tensed. “No,” I said.

“Karsite, I was. Long ago. Stranger and enemy, to the Heralds I came.” He leaned back and gazed at the cold hearth. “A good place, to me they gave. The children I taught.”

This was new. Everybody else expected me to tell them my story, instead of giving me theirs.

Alberich went on, “In my turn, I was taught. An adult, not often is Chosen. But here we are.”

“Did you want to come here?” I asked, not thinking.

He glanced at me. “From the fire, my Companion took me. To stay, to die. To live, I came.”

Oh. I shifted, uncomfortable.

Alberich said, “My story, I shared. Your feelings, you shared.”

“My feelings?” I asked.

 _:Oh, um, Mildmay? Alberich's Companion, Kantor, says you were projecting your feelings at his Chosen? Frustration, pain, anxiety, and aversion, he says. I think you lost control of your Empathy shield,:_ Jaysen said.

“Fuck,” I said. I hadn't noticed. How hadn't I noticed?

“Mindspeech and Empathy. A good combination,” Alberich said.

I barely heard him. Find the grounding point, anchor, see the shields growing, make sure they close up in a sphere. It took only a bit longer to do than to think about. When the shields were around me again, I opened my eyes.

Alberich was looking at the stained glass window, his back to me.

“I'm sorry,” I said.

He turned around. “Trainees mistakes make. This time, no harm done.” He stood up. “Tomorrow, weapons training with Kero, you discuss. Today, go.”

I stood up and bowed. I walked out of the salle building and past the fighters as fast as I could.

Did Kero and Skif feel my feelings too? They had both left pretty fast.

Aversion. That was what it came down to. I didn't want to be here, I didn't belong here. I'd learn how to control my Gifts just enough to never use them again.

I set off towards the palace, to see how Felix had spent his morning.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my very first fanfic!
> 
> I would like to thank my dear darling beta reader and excellent editor emblazonet for her INDISPENSABLE advice and support.


End file.
